Not the world's smartest criminals
by Beth Brown
Hello, America! I'm Regis Philbin and welcome to tonight's special edition of Who Wants To Be A Convicted Felon? Without further adieu, let's begin.
Tonight's fast five-finger question asks our contestants to place these five items you would lift from your local Wal-Mart Supercenter in order from "most likely" to "least likely." Items are: (1) cigarettes, (2) spray paint, (3) work boots, (4) gas cap, and (5) fix-a-flat.
Okay, time's up, let's see who got our five-finger question correct in the fastest time. Wow, 2.2 seconds to Jim Bob Charlie Burns! Welcome to New York and the show Jim Bob Charlie! What do the folks back in Tennessee call you?
"Well, Reg, the boys back in Cellblock 94A call me 'Jim took a swim, never came back again' Burns."
Err...Does that signify you are a wanted felon, Jim?
Jim laughs, "Oh, heck no, Reg. Them sheriffs was gonna let me go just as soon as I paid off my debts—like the one where I took $68 and a case of beer from the Pride Market. In fact, I don't want to boast, but that's why I made my way to your fair city. To pay back my debts to society."
Well, Jim, that's pretty honorable of you. Let's get to tonight's $100 question. According to Guinness, what year were the most inmates on death row in the United States? (A) 1998, (B) 2010, (C) 3419, or (D) 2046?
Jim replies, "Uh, well let's see, (A) is 1998. That was a couple of years ago...hmmm...And (B) is 2010, that's a while from now, maybe there will be a lot of people on death row then. (C) is 3419. Heck Regis, I won't even be around then. You know something about the future that I don't?"
No Jim.
"Hmm, (D) is 2046. If I am alive then I will be 74. I think I will have to poll the audience on this one," Jim decides.
All right, audience, on your keypads click on which letter you believe to be the correct answer...okay, well, Jim, it appears as though the audience is split. Looks like each choice received 25 percent of the vote. Now what?
"Aww man, this is worse than the time I was in that high-speed chase and those cops were...oh never mind Reg. I think I will go with (B) 2010," Jim worries.
2010?
Jim heaves a big sigh, "Yeah."
2010 is 10 years from now.
Jim replies, "In 2010 this will have occurred 10 years ago."
You still have two lifelines left. Are you confident?
Jim breaks down. "No Regis. I just cannot decide between (A) and (B). I hate to use it, but can I use my 50/50 split?"
All right, computer, take away two wrong answers, leaving our friend Jim here with one right and one wrong answer.
Jim is shocked. "No way, man! The computer left (A) and (B). Now I still don't know! If I get it wrong, it's back to lockup, err...never mind. Regis you better watch your back after the show, man. Just joking with you buddy."
We all love a good joke! What will you do?
"Dang," begins Jim, "I still don't know. Why did I quit school in the ninth grade? Can I use my call-a-friend lifeline?"
Sure, Jim. Who would you like for AT&T to get on the line for you?
Pondering, Jim replies, "How about Bobby Ray? No, he's in corrections until at least May 7. Uh, I know! Get Danny!"
Alright, AT&T dial up Jim's good friend Danny. While they are getting Danny on the line, I wanted to ask you if you are having a good time here in New York.
Jim smiles. "New York rocks, man! I mean, there is so much to do here. I can't wait to tell the boys back in the recreation room and dining hall about all of the places here to knock off, I mean..."
Okay, Jim, Danny is on the line. Danny can you hear us?
"Jim, dude! You made it!" Danny is amazed.
Okay, Danny. Jim will read you a question, and the two possible answers. You'll have 30 seconds to help him out. Are you ready?
"Jim, dude, I can't believe you made it. You are the man," Danny replies.
Jim shouts, "Shut up, man, listen here's the question. According to Guinness, what year were there the most prisoners on Death Row? (A) 1998 or (B) 2010?"
Danny thinks. "Oh no, dude. I dunno. I gotta tell ya though. The best thing happened today to me. I won on that radio thing. First thing in the morning, I get to go live in a glass house at the mall! Yeah, dude, and the best part is, no one or nothing goes in or out. So the cops can't get to me for that warrant back in 1998."
Eight seconds left.
"Oh, man, hurry. Do you know the answer?" Jim asks.
Danny laughs nervously. "No dude, but good luck. Hope that helps." You have exhausted all of your lifelines. What are you going to do?
"Guess I'll have to go for it, Reg. I'll choose (B)."
Are you certain this time?
"Yeah, well, no. I want (A). No, (B). For sure (B)."
So (B) is you final answer?
"Yeah."
Oh no, Jim. It was (A). It was so nice to have you here.
"Thanks for having me Regis," Jim laments.
The police will be here to escort you safely back in just a moment. Just wait over there at the—Hey! Don't run away! Get back here, Jim! Security! Security!
March 30, 2000 * Vol. 10, No. 13
© 2000 Metro Pulse
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