The University of Tennessee is an educational institution preparing for the future at the dawn of a new millenium. Times are changing, but you can count on UTK to be prepared. Considering the often-frustrating vicissitudes of "ranking" and so-called "accreditation," we know what we can count on far into the 21st century and beyond: convenient parking—and, of course, speedy interstate access. Because a college campus isn't just for students—it's for their cars, too.
We're well aware of the special needs of Tennessee's leisure-loving youth. Our pledge to you is that you will never have to walk a full block to get to your car—or, if you choose, cars. No other campus in America can make that claim. At UTK, students will never have to exert themselves painfully, with the inevitable results of unattractive perspiration and worrisome weight loss.
CarTopics
A special note to parents: Here at UTK, we know cars are important to your life—and so are those children you trust to drive your cars and keep them safe.
We'll tend to all your students' driving needs, from the first day they drive onto campus, and each day as they drive from class to class—until that day down the road when they proudly don their "motorboards" and get their diplomas.
Remember, UTK stands for U Taka Kar! We're your "automotive" university!
Asphalt Dreams
While other universities build old-fashioned greenways, UTK concentrates on more-useful grayways. Our long-range plans for the future call for connecting various parts of campus with quiet, pleasant "car trails" that allow students to drive about campus in peace, without having to combat traffic.
As strange as it may seem, some American universities still don't have four-lane expressways on campus. Some universities don't even allow students to exercise their rights to drive to each of their on-campus destinations. UTK is looking longer-range, and actually expanding your on-campus driving options. For you, we're building a four-lane highway bridge straight from the once-sleepy heart of campus to bold, active Alcoa Highway, braving the opposition of a tiny majority of students and faculty. Now you'll be able to drive straight to the airport without the bother of right or left-hand turns, and minimizing your contact with villagers.
Demolition 2000 Campaign
Share our excitement as "the stately walls of old UT" give way to the stately asphalt of a new UT!
The goal of our Demo 2000 campaign is to convert unstylish old buildings into convenient parking lots and expressways for our students and visitors. It's an ambitious goal—but never forget that a glorious, 10,000-space mall-style lot begins with a single demolition.
Protecting You From History....
History, as we all know, is one of the most troubling impediments to young minds today, and old buildings contain all sorts of musty, out-of-date ideas. Some of the buildings in UTK's parasitic host village (which our College of Social Work informs us the indigenous peoples call "Knoxville") are far too old for our students' safety and comfortable driving needs.
Unlike some creaky old campuses like those of the quaint "ivy league," which permit out-of-date buildings to remain standing year after year, UTK will protect our students from such historic sites by clearing them for clean, fresh, parking lots and highway projects. If you hear that we're one of the oldest universities in America, don't let that scare you. At heart, we're teenagers!
1960-Style Planning—Today!
It's just the beginning. Our long-range plans, based on unchangeable "informal" master plans formulated in 1960, call for rerouting I-40, one of the longest and most popular interstates in America, directly through campus. In addition to the prestige a major interstate brings, the expressway will inject a stream of new ideas and lively activity through campus every day in a way we think students will enjoy.
Through our unique Four-Lane Program, students will be able to drive on campus nonstop from Newport or Bucksnort—then motor on to their careers. To quote one of our favorite Ford truck commercials, the new expressway will give UT grads the boost they need to "hit the ground runnin'!"
The university's new slogan is Off the Campus and Onto the Interstate In Under Four Minutes—Guaranteed! Our classics department is working round-the-clock to translate that new motto into Latin.
Our subsequent partnership with the Tennessee Department of Transportation will do wonders for both of Tennessee's best-known totalitarian institutions. The synergy created by UTDOT is exciting to contemplate. Who knows? Maybe in the future we'll be known as Drive-Thru U.
New Destinations
To underscore our new autocratic philosophy, this semester UTK is announcing several exciting new programs we think students will love.
Pride of the Southland Driving Band
To be unveiled during the 2000 football season, we think the Pride of the Southland will look just a little prouder driving onto the field in their new SUV's, "blowing their horns" in a whole new way!
Circle Parking Lot
For years, one of the most frequently asked questions from on-campus visitors has been, "Why can't we park on Circle Park? I mean, it says Park, doesn't it?" Well, soon you can! In 2000, UT will pour fresh asphalt over the often-soggy grass, removing the antiquated trees that are known to harbor troublesome birds. The new Circle Parking Lot will be convenient to the stadium, to Andy Holt Tower, and to your life.
Drive-In Theatre
Let's be frank. Attendance at Clarence Brown Theatre has suffered due to theatregoers' embarrassment at having to get out of their cars just to attend a performance. Since Andy Holt Drive will soon be connected to Alcoa Highway, it seems time to make a change for the future.
Remembering that UT engineering grad Clarence Brown was the first MGM director to successfully mount a movie camera on a moving car, we'll convert Clarence Brown Theatre into a drive-in dramatic theatre. Among the first drive-in productions in the coming season will be Driving Miss Daisy, Car Wash, and some of our favorite episodes of I-40 Paradise, all starring David Keith.
This may seem a futuristic idea, which is what many thought when we formulated it in 1960. Who knows? Maybe drive-in classes are just around the corner. Or, we should say, just off the next exit ramp!
This Exit: Food, Gas, and UTK!
We'll meet the opportunity of the new four-lane with our own versions of interstate-exit culture. On the drawing board for a new highway-oriented campus are a Burger Ombudsman (where you'll be able to order the hearty Big MacClung); a Volmart; a Voliday Inn; Wade & Mickey Gilley's Country-Music Theater and Rodeo; and, of course, a Pilot. You'll never want to leave!
Driversity
UT does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or automotive preference. The university provides facilities for a diversity of automobiles, from the lowly Honda to the mighty SUV, to the "stretch limos" preferred by so many kids these days. In the rare event that there's a problem between automobiles, our Interautomotive Council drives in to help. Ejection of an automobile from campus is always a last resort.
UTK-Approved Campus Organizations
* Anti-Walking Alliance
* Asphalta Phi
* The Car Stereo Society
* The Carbon Monoxide Fellowship
* The "Fender Benders" Glee Club
* The Four Lane Club
* Friends of TDOT
* The Golden Carkey Honor Society
* The Intramural Driving Club
* Students For Convenient Parking
* Students For Free Parking
* Students For Private Garages
* Students For Private Garages With Remote Control Garage Doors
* Students For the Removal And Safe Disposal Of the Indian Mound
* The TDOT Alliance
* White Gangstas In Jeeps
March 30, 2000 * Vol. 10, No. 13
© 2000 Metro Pulse
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