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The Second Nominal Weisfeld vs. Turczyn...
by Coury Turczyn and Zak Weisfeld
Every other year, I get forced into doing this. It's a big opportunity, they tell me—raise my public profile. Improve my "Q" rating. "Zippy, baby, you gotta do it—it's tradition! The readers love it!" What a load. As if introducing these two hacks and their insipid "debate" has ever done anything for my career. You want to know how I keep ending up with the honors? Because I'm the only writer on staff who doesn't have enough self-respect to say no, that's why. Plus, they pay me with enough bottles of Johnny Walker to keep me from thinking about it.
God, where did it all go wrong? Ten years ago, my future looked like gold. I was on the fast track, man, the first columnist to ever cover the local music scene, week in, week out. I was the toast of the town, invited to every party, put on every guest list. The public loved me and the bands treated me like a king... I can remember doing shots with the Dirtclods at Snakesnatch, talking philosophy all night long with gothic girls at the Merc, waking up naked after a Run, Jump, and Throw Like a Girl gig at Hawkeye's... I had Knoxville in the palm of my hand!
Now it's gone, all gone... the kids hate me... the bands physically assault me...I can't even get free drinks at a Jupiter Coyote show...someone, please, help me—
—Zippy McDuff
And now, on with the debate for the winners of the 2000 Academy Awards!
Coury: Ah, can you feel the electricity in the air? That's right—it's the time of year again when we honor the best our entertainment industry has to offer in a hallowed ceremony that displays all the majesty, glamour, and class that Hollywood is known for.
Zak: It's time for the Adult Video News Awards?
Coury: No, not that classy—or meaningful. Instead, I speak of the annual prizes awarded by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
Zak: My God, no—
Coury: And as is our tradition, we must engage in a whimsical debate over which nominees are most deserving of that golden statuette, the Osc—
Zak: I won't let you. Not again.
Coury: (kaff)...stop...stop...choking (kaff)...me...
Zak: Let it end here!
Coury: ...must debate...(wheeze)...the people...love it...(kaff)...expect it...
Zak: No, they don't! Every newspaper and magazine in the world has its own Oscar debate, Oscar odds, Oscar pools, Oscar ballot—and none of them mean a damn thing! Just more mindless hype to pacif—ak!
Coury: Well, I knew that shiv would come in handy. And if you want to keep the rest of your small intestines intact, you'll do as I say. Now, on with the debate. This year, Zak, we'll be concentrating on the "Big Five," the most anticipated, talked-about, top prizes—the ones everybody tunes in to see.
Zak: You mean the technical awards?
Coury: Right you are! Let the parade of Hollywood royalty begin!
Best Sound
The Green Mile
The Insider
The Matrix
The Mummy
Star Wars: Episode 1—The Phantom Menace
Zak: This is really my favorite award. And not just because I can't see. To me, movies aren't really about pictures of beautiful people flouncing around or fighting, or whatever it is they're doing on that "screen." For me, movies are like radio, except with popcorn. And no movie was more aurally enchanting this year than The Mummy, wouldn't you agree, Coury?
Coury: You blind idiot.
Zak: I prefer blind drunk; I'm actually sighted.
Coury: Movies are about beautiful people on the screen—their luminous images allowing us to forget, if just for a moment, the horror of our daily lives... cranking out stories for newspapers that no one reads.
Zak: I wouldn't know. I try to stay drunk. And live off my trust fund.
Coury: Well, if you could stay off the sauce for an hour or so you'd know that the obvious winner in the category is The Matrix. The sonic perfection of Keanu's psychically dull "whoa..." was never more perfectly captured than in this gem of a film.
Zak: And you're calling me an idiot. That's not something that goes under Best Sound, that's for Sound Effects Editing. Everyone knows that.
Coury: This would explain why you actually gave Wild Wild West three gurus. You know absolutely nothing about film. Nothing. Best Sound is given for the best capture of aural events that occur naturally within a film. Best Sound Effects Editing is given for artificially-generated sounds added to the film after the fact.
Zak: That's what I'm saying. I spend most movies picking Skittles off the floor using only my heightened, bat-like senses and I can tell that all of Keanu's lines are artificially generated. Didn't you know? He went into a coma while making Johnny Mnemonic. Ever since then he's been nothing but a sack of stale meat controlled by Disney Imagineers. His voice is actually created by taking all the warmth and emotion out of those automatic phone answering machines.
Coury: I can't talk to you when you're like this. But fine. If you want it that way, let's talk about Best Sound Effects Editing.
Best Sound Effects Editing
Fight Club
The Matrix
Star Wars: Episode 1—The Phantom Menace
Coury: This is a category I've always loved. Even as a child I would be sure to watch the entire Oscar presentation, even the musical numbers, in the hopes of seeing the brave men and women who edit the sound effects of the movies that made me laugh, cry, sing, dance, and want to dress up like Tina Turner.
Zak: That would explain the wigs.
Coury: This year, the winner in this category is obvious. It's The Matrix. God, the sound of those machine guns... firing over and over, pumping bullet after bullet into the latex-clad bodies of...oh, sorry.
Zak: You are one twisted bastard. No wonder you liked Eyes Wide Shut. But really, anyone who can hear over the din of the voices in their head knows the real winner is Star Wars: Episode One—The Phantom Menace. In fact, the real crime here is that there was a movie to go along with those stunning sound effects. If only they'd issued the thing as a CD of swooshes, beeps, zaps, and blasts, I never would have been arrested for that unfortunate incident at the Skywalker Ranch...but no, they had to make it into a whole movie and actually force me to pay money and sit through it...
Coury: Hey, that's right. You still owe me $20,000 for the bail I posted. But you should have asked me before you waited all night in the rain with that aluminum bat hoping Jar Jar would come out of his trailer.
Zak: How was I supposed to know he'd send Mark Hamill out ahead of him? Tricky Gungan bastard.
Coury: Aren't you supposed to be at a hearing in Sacramento tomorrow?
Best Costume Design
Anna and the King
Sleepy Hollow
The Talented Mr. Ripley
Titus
Topsy-Turvy
Zak: Yes. But I just couldn't bear the thought of not being here to stand up for the clear winner in the Best Costume category, Anna and the King. At long last, those silk Bruce Lee kung fu uniforms I bought back in junior high will be in style again.
Coury: You haven't even seen this movie, have you?
Zak: Well...no. But somebody told me about the poster. Or maybe they were talking about that Jet Li movie. I honestly can't remember.
Coury: Of course not. Because if you could you'd know that only The Talented Mr. Ripley deserves to be mentioned in the same sentence as Best Costume Design. I mean, did you see those hats? It was like Purple Rain had returned, only with white people and sunshine.
Zak: You're thinking of Under the Cherry Moon.
Coury: Another greatly underappreciated film, not unlike Eyes Wide Shut. True genius in the cinema is always mocked by smug critics such as yourself, like the masterworks in our next category.
Best Make-up
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Bicentennial Man
Life
Topsy-Turvy
Zak: You know, I hated that Austin Powers sequel. I hated the first one, too, but this one made me want to see Mike Myers pushed through a food processor.
Coury: Oh behave! Rawwwrrr!
Zak: Stop that.
Coury: Yeah, baby, yeah!
Zak: No more exclamation marks. I'm serious.
Coury: Or what, baby? Are you going to shag me?
Zak: Shag you up is more like it. Do you remember that scene in The Matrix?
Coury: The one with the leather pants?
Zak: No, the one where Laurence Fishburne takes Keanu to school.
Best Visual Effects
The Matrix
Star Wars: Episode 1—The Phantom Menace
Stuart Little
Coury: How could I forget—that movie had the Best Visual Effects of the year.
Zak: Well it's going to be just like that—except with pain.
Coury: I'm worried that you're channeling your anger at Jar Jar, which is clearly some kind of self-loathing, into anger at me.
Zak: Couldn't I be angry at both of you? You for being so wrong about Best Visual Effects of the year—and Jar Jar for representing the movie that did have the Best Visual Effects of the year but used their great power only for evil?
Coury: I see your point. I still don't understand how they got Queen Amidala's hair that big. Or why. Mostly I thought Phantom Menace suffered from a severe leather pants deficit. Too many fruffy robes.
Zak: This is going to have to end in more violence, isn't it?
Coury: No. Let us end this debate in the spirit of artistic excellence and cooperation that is so aptly symbolized by the Academy's technical awards.
Zak: You mean we should grow beards and pony-tails and live out our anonymous lives in darkened, sound-proof rooms in Northern California?
Coury: Indeed.
Ed. Note: Unfortunately, the tape's transcript ends here. Coury and Zak's whereabouts are unknown. We can only hope this means the end of any future Oscar debates. Let us pray.
March 23, 2000 * Vol. 10, No. 12
© 2000 Metro Pulse
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