And now, a special edition of Metro Pulse's Behind the Magic, the program where we show you what actually goes on in the executive suites and mailrooms of Metro Pulse Amalgamated.
This week: The Football Issue.
[Setting: Very long conference table made from unvarnished rainforest timber, with legs made of elephant tusks; 40th-floor conference room of MP Amalgamated, looking down on the city far below.]
Editor 1: ...So by the time we finish pushing that mongoose and Valium scandal, County Commission will be at our mercy. They'll be ready to roll over, boss.
Boss: MWAH HA HA HA HA! Finally, the city of Knoxville will be ours, ours, ours!
Editor 2: [Entering.] We just got a phone call, boss. It's our guy in Nashville. He says Sundquist will play ball, as long as we, ahem, conveniently lose those photos.
Boss: Right. You know what to do.
Editor 2: Make a dupe of the negatives, put them in the voluminous and ominous-looking black filing cabinet in the vacuum-sealed safe hidden in the wall behind your desk, then send the first set of negs to the governor?
Boss: [Beaming.] That's my boy. Now, what do we hear from Washington?
General Manager: We're having a little trouble with Gore. He seems to think the state of Wisconsin is too high a price to pay for, as he put it, "some 15-year-old videotapes that the voters probably won't care much about anyway."
Boss: [Sighs.] You know, blackmail was so much easier before Clinton. Now people think they can get away with anything. Just look at Phil Keith. All right, remind Al what exactly is on those tapes, and tell him we'll settle for Wyoming, if he's elected. And if he's not...
Editor 1: How about we just take one of his daughters?
Boss: Good, good. I like that. Now, let's see, all that's left to discuss is our "content" for next week. We've been falling off a little lately, folks. This is a very critical time. We need something that'll really distract 'em, keep their attention focused anywhere but on what's really happening.
Editor 3: Well...
Boss: What?
Editor 3: Well, we could, you know, kind of borrow a page, so to speak, from, um, you know, that other paper.
Boss: [Frowning.] You mean Hamby?
Editor 3: No, um, the other other paper.
Boss: [Really frowning.] Oh. What page, exactly, would we borrow?
Editor 3: Well, you know, it's coming up on football season.
Boss, Editors 1 and 2, General Manager: [General confusion.] Foot what? What ball? What seasoning? What what?
Editor 3: You know, football. The Vols. UT and all that. Don't, um, don't you guys know about that?
Editor 2: Uh...
Boss: Oh. Ahem. Oh, sure, sure. The, uh, Vols. Yeah. So what are you saying?
Editor 3: Well, people eat that stuff up. I mean, they love it. It doesn't matter what it is. And with everybody else talking about it, it'll seem perfectly natural for us to jump right in. No one would suspect a thing.
Editor 1: Hmm.
General Manager: I like it.
Boss: Possible, possible. Do we have anything we could actually run in it?
Editor 1: Well, we do have this blimp story...
Boss: Blimps?
Editor 2: It could work. And maybe we can scrounge together some other stuff, like really quick. Maybe even do one of those, what do ya call 'em, you know...
Editor 3: Season previews?
Editor 2: Yeah, yeah. Do we know anybody who knows anything about football?
All: [Collectively.] Uh...
And so it went. A week later, the finished product emerged, the product of the kind of hard work, integrity, and dedication we like to think has become our hallmark. We here at Metro Pulse sincerely hope you've enjoyed this look behind the scenes, and that you enjoy our very special Football Issue. Join us next week for another peek Behind the Magic.
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