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Show 'em how to bleed orange!

You've proudly displayed the bumper sticker for years. But be honest: Does your blood really run deep orange? Every time your doctor takes blood, are you embarrassed that your plasma still runs Alabama crimson? That's treason, of course, but it's behind you forever with our simple blood-conversion kit. You decide just how orange you want your blood to be and follow the instructions. Included is a full gallon of radioactive yellow dye #2, manufactured here in East Tennessee, and a syringe. Guaranteed satisfactory results within one week. Side effects may resemble jaundice.
Set $19.95. Extra yellow dye $9.95/gallon

Own your own Vol Navy destroyer!

You call that a Vol Navy? Mobilize for the big game in a big way by sailing a real surplus Soviet Navy destroyer to the stadium. Our limited supply of destroyers, subs, and other battleships from the World War II era are all painted bright orange and approved by NCAA.
(Crew not included. Not guaranteed to lock through Fort Loudoun Dam, and not for use on the Holston River. Vol Navy submarines submersible only during summer months, when TVA raises the water levels. Use of torpedoes and depth charges within city limits restricted by Knoxville City Council.)
Yours for only $299,999.95 OR 19 billion rubles and 95 kopeks

Big Fan Accessories

Are you really a big Vol fan? Can you fit into just one seat at Neyland Stadium? (See what we mean?) Impress your narrow, wimpy friends with the fact that you have to buy two seats for every game, just for yourself.
Included are two adjacent season tickets for each fan (limited supply), a sofa-sized stadium seat, a 20-gallon drum for nachos, and a T-shirt that says, "I'm such a big Vol fan I have to buy two seats!" Learn what many Vol fans have known for years: the larger you become, the more orange you can wear, and the more pride you can show.

The Vol Guide to Voltaire

You may have thought the sissy Frenchman didn't care about football, but this exciting new theory by UT professor Karl Veisenheimer outlines how Voltaire presaged Coach Fulmer's 1998 Team of Destiny.
2-volume set $29.95.

Chamique's Secret Lingerie

This seductive line of all-Vol orange lingerie is the perfect gift for that Vol-uptuous bride-to-be. It's guaranteed to get her Vol marriage off on the right foot, and will have her new hubby shouting, "Bot-tom!"
Free catalogue!

Genuine Vol Artifacts

We have a veritable Vol grab-bag of historical artifacts, like actual gravel from old Wait Field, where the Vols played before 1925. Portions of Condredge Holloway's afro. Grease from General Neyland's Jeep, sold in one-ounce vials. Grass seed actually descended from grass planted in Neyland Stadium. Pieces of the True Goalpost (please specify which game, but be sure it's one of the 114 games on record after which either or both goalposts were torn down). And our favorite, actual stadium-vendor-surplus orange hot dogs from any of 309 home games played since the Neyland era. (Supplies from some historic games are limited; mustard is extra.)
All these artifacts are priceless, of course—but we have a price just for you.

The Kesling-Ward Tonal Adapter

Developed by engineers laid off from Robertshaw, this ingenious device, which plugs into the earphone jacks of any radio, speeds up Bob Kesling's delivery 20 percent and adds a nasal pitch, to make him sound exactly like John Ward. In the spaces resulting from the differences in pace, Bill Anderson's voice comes in and drawls, "I just don't understand it, John."
John Ward, who says he has used a prototype of the device himself while watching Kesling on Channel 10, says, "Give me six!"
Just $5.00!

Peyton Manning's Semen

Your neighbors have already named their children after him. Now you can do them one better by bearing the actual children of that immortal Vol quarterback, Peyton Manning! Each cryogenically frozen test tube contains literally millions of Peyton Manning's hibernating sperm, at least one of which is guaranteed to cross the goal line with class. (Not responsible for multiple births.)
$500/10cc

Vol World Map

Our Vol Map of the World meticulously outlines the Vol-friendly parts of Tennessee, but also includes all the evil nations, including Cuba and Florida. Key directs you to Vol missionaries in Alabama and Georgia. Also included are some places of interest elsewhere in the non-NCAA world, including Upper Volta, Volos, and the Volga River.
Only $4.95!

Join the Gridiron Gridlock

Half the experience of a Vol game is waiting through traffic, sitting in an idling car without having any idea when the guy in front of you is going to move. The Go Vols Automotive Club meets daily when they drive to predetermined places around in town, and on radio command they simultaneously slow down to a crawl and idle their cars—all the while, listening to tapes of John Ward and Bill Anderson discussing any of 320 historic games. You may have noticed them, perhaps around Cedar Bluff and Lovell Roads, but probably never guessed what fun they're having, recreating an exciting game day! Most of our meetings take place conveniently, just after work—so what's your excuse?Our 1999-2000 schedule shows you where all the Go Vols Automotive Club meetings will be, each day of every month, in season and out! A starter kit of 12 John Ward/Bill Anderson cassette tapes, recreating the exciting season of 1978, are included.
Kit $14.95

Vol Re-Education Camp

It's a dilemma every parent-to-be faces. You've heard of it happening to others—the heartbreak of raising a non-Vol. Childhood begins with such hope, and you freely spend thousands of dollars in food, orange clothing, and medical bills to raise your children right. Then come the hazardous teen years, and you can only watch helplessly as your little Vol develops other interests. You feel devastated.
Protect your investment by sending your kids to Doug Dickey's Vol Re-education Camp ("Not a concentration camp!"), on the beautiful shores of Fort Loudoun Lake. At DDVRC, we reach your kids in ways they understand, using the hippest music of the day: Vol hip-hop, Vol country, and Vol alternative (the kids call it Volternative!). Nightly mosh pits are reminiscent of Neyland Stadium after a big win. Rappers like Smoke Smoky Dogg, Notorious V.O.L., and UT1 make special appearances, as Doug Dickey and others offer personal testimonials of how they once strayed, then rediscovered the true Vol within themselves. After our intensive six-week re-education process—during which campers wear only orange surplus prison uniforms—you'll hardly recognize your surly non-Vol.
$1000/6 weeks