Explosive secret documents reveal a Knoxville masterplan for tourism domination
Metro Pulse has uncovered secret plans proposed by an unknown quasi-governmental organization to spend huge sums of public money on large, bizarre tourist attractions. (This does not include the Convention Center.)
As part of an ongoing Metro Pulse in-depth investigation and aluminum can drive, the shredded documents were discovered in a City-County Building dumpster last month. Top experts from Elmer's were hired to painstakingly glue the fragments together. After several delays reconstructing hundreds of Papa John's coupon sheets, the scientists finally hit paydirt: an unsigned memo revealing the existence of a shadow organization bent on turning Knoxville into a nightmarish "destination attraction."
Who sits on this mysterious Council, and how can they get away with spending tax moneys so malevolently? Our best efforts have failed to answer these questions. (Actually, we stopped asking after three reporters' cars exploded on ignition.) But rather than let the story go untold, we have decided to print the documents for all Knoxvillians to see. The rest is up to you.
TOP SECRET MEMO
TO: Members, Council of 12
RE: Project "K" (Big, Super-Duper Steps)
As we all know, the only thing that's going to rejuvenate Knoxville is a monumental, multi-million-dollar, years-in-the-making mega-building. (Mr. XYZ, who suggested at the last meeting that we provide small-business tax incentives instead, has had his membership terminated. A viewing will be held Sunday at Berry Funeral Home, for those interested.) And as we agreed, the minimum requirements for this super-project are: A. It must be really, really HUGE, B. Involve the razing of either architecturally important buildings or natural attractions, C. Have a helipad. This is what we deserve!
On the recommendation of Smitty (the guy who sits in the little hut at the parking lot), we hired world-renowned super-project consultants Two Guys and a Drafting Table, Inc. of Muskegon, Mich. to come up with possibilities for us to consider. After an exhausting survey of the Knoxville area conducted over the weekend, they came up with some intriguing concepts. (Note to budget office: Divide their $540,000 fee between "Downtown Business Development" and "Lunch.") Attached is the Super-Project Committee's report. I think you will agree, these ideas are all winners that are sure to spur lots of tourism and development possibilities. The only question we need to ask is: Which one is the BIGGEST?
FORT SANDERS STUDENT GHETTO THEME PARK
JPI Developers and the Walt Disney Company have expressed interest in purchasing the entire neighborhood of Fort Sanders and converting it to a "virtual student slum," a safe adventure for the whole family. UT alumni can relive their glory days and Vol fans who never got to enjoy the rest of university life can vicariously experience the thrill of such unique student ghetto attributes as "keggers," "housemates," and "porch furniture." Existing buildings would be razed and replaced with exact replicas molded from toddler-safe poly-foam. Among the attractions would be constant "block parties" where visitors could draw (non-alcoholic) beverages from kegs and enjoy the "radical" sounds of house bands playing party favorites (Hootie and the Blowfish have expressed strong interest in the project). Tours would be led by a colorful cast of street characters, including "Shouting Drooling Man" and "Really Drunk Staggering Girl." At the "Psychedelic House" attraction, children could tie-dye their own T-shirts for a mere $25, and older patrons could pass around a "soap bubble bong." On tours through selected houses, visitors would be greeted by "roommates" (professional actors) who would engage them in arguments about who was supposed to do the dishes. Several times a day, work crews would stage "demolitions" of "historic homes," involving impressive but carefully supervised displays of explosive pyrotechnics. The heart of the project would be the Fort Sanders Ghetto Hilton, a full-service hotel with a facade designed to resemble a large, deteriorating house. Staff would dress in ragged denim and hemp clothing, and the "Gryphon's" restaurant would serve specials like "Ramen with Spaghetti-O's" and "Last Night's Pizza."
Upside: Makes productive use of a notably underutilized area of the city. Would shift actual student population farther away from the Strip, where they would be less likely to bother visiting Vol fans and corporate skybox owners.
Downside: Baptists might object to Disney involvement. Doug Sager has threatened boycott unless developers agree to "No Sodomites" clause.
TENNESSEE SUPERAQUARIUM
It is generally agreed that the Tennessee Aquarium in Chattanooga is the biggest embarrassment to Knoxville's efforts to draw tourists since the Civil War, when Chattanooga succeeded in hosting a much bigger battle than us. To amend the current aquarium deficit in Knoxville, it is urged to be imperative that Knoxville build a much larger aquarium than Chattanooga's.
The Tennessee Superaquarium will allow no smallish fish. Key to the Superaquarium will be the Knoxville Whale Center, an 11-billion gallon saltwater tank that will be an internationally respected repository for Sperm and Blue Whales. We advise the Superaquarium be built on a part of Fort Loudoun Lake that is broader than the Tennessee River at Chattanooga. As planned, the Tennessee Superaquarium will cover most of what is now Farragut, along with parts of Concord and Lenoir City.
A saltwater "petting zoo" will be home to several of the larger but more docile fish, including tuna, haddock, and muskie. Escalators will be mobile salmon-spawning grounds; visitors may take depleted salmon home with them. These will be the smallest fish permitted in the Superaquarium, except for feeding purposes.
Upside: Outside investment possible from Japanese whaling interests in exchange for seasonal hunting cruises. Would turn Turkey Creek development into lakeside property, nearly quadrupling its value.
Downside: TVA won't permit the required flooding unless we buy them new signs for their buildings. Also, some of the flooded schools may have to be rebuilt (checking for loopholes in state education laws).
CHEROKEE HUNTING GROUND AND CASINO
Cede Sequoyah Hills back to the Cherokee Nation and look to them to develop it in partnership with Six Flags, the National Archery Association, and Harrah's. The Hunting Grounds would draw upon Six Flags' success with attractions like its Safari Park in New Jersey but take them several levels higher. Sequoyah School would be converted into an Archery Training Center, and Indian guides would take tourists on indigenous game hunts. Cherokee Boulevard would be used for reenactments of the Trail of Tears (except during Dogwood Trail season), and the Cavett Station massacre would be reenacted daily in what's now Sequoyah Park (tourists could wear fake "scalps" for the warriors to remove). A few residences, such as the UT chancellor's, would remain a bed and breakfast, but most would be demolished to create the nation's only authentic replication of pioneers and native Americans dwelling and living in harmony in a Williamsburg-of-the-frontier like setting. A riverboat casino would be docked adjacent to an 800-room Happy Hunting Ground Hotel, which would be built over the Indian mound enshrined in its atrium.
Upside: Indians are very popular with children. Possible tie-ins with Atlanta Braves.
Downside: Cherokee Nation wants an 80-20 profit split. Their response to our initial 50-50 offer said something disparaging about Manhattan and "shiny beads."
TOPPING THE SMOKIES
Our studies show that the Great Smoky Mountains National Park is highly vulnerable to competition. Highway gridlock has made the Smokies inaccessible, and poor air quality and visibility permeate the park once you get there. The trees are all dead near the top of Mount LeConte, and the Park Service won't allow the LeConte Lodge to expand to meet the demand. The drive around Cade's Cove has become a bumper-to-bumper nightmare, and Laurel Falls is barely a trickle in the park tourist months.
Knoxville's competitive strategy should be:
(1) Augment Sharp's Ridge to make it the tallest peak east of the Rockies. Waste Management, Inc. has the stuff to get this job done, and Champion Paper should be put in charge of forestation. Trailheads would be easily accessible from I-640, and all trails would lead to a 1,500 room Sharp's Lodge at the pinnacle. For tourists who don't have the time or inclination to hike, a gentle roadway would get them to the top in no time. It would also be used to stock the lodge, which would be the largest mountain-top hostelry in the world and yet still have a rustic character (i.e. no plumbing, except in the administrative quarters).
(2) Convert Dutch Valley into a Cade's Cove look-alike that is much more tourist friendly. The key here is a monorail system that would run circles around the valley (and thus Cade's Cove).
Upside: Travel writers from around the world would laud "Knoxville's mountain majesty." And the News-Sentinel can be counted on to back anything that involves a monorail (although it would be better if we could make it look like a trolley).
Downside: Mountain attractions have an unfortunate secondary demographic consisting largely of young, hairy people with suspect dietary habits. We may be able to deter them by emphasizing our "family-friendliness."
ATOMIC BOOM-A-DAY
The creation of the atom bomb remains Knoxville's most celebrated technological feat. Admittedly, it may take some touting by the Superchamber to get the rest of the world to recognize that Oak Ridge has become a Knoxville suburb, and also to bear in mind that Los Alamos has become a nest of Chinese spies. But once that's done, there's explosive potential for attracting tourists to an A-bomb simulation site. Watching a mushroom cloud plume upwards would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for untold millions, and with proper precautions, it could be just as safe as watching Boomsday. In deference to Oak Ridge, ground zero should probably be located along the Pellissippi Parkway—in a zone where City Council allows promotional billboards.
Upside: All sorts of potential for great press release headline puns: "Explosive," "Dy-no-mite," etc. Moxley can probably think of more.
Downside: Smoke could obscure visibility along I-40, leading to massive highway fatalities. But counsel assures us our liability would be limited.
A "-WOOD" THEME PARK
It is the consensus of the committee that Dolly Parton, and therefore Dollywood, already has her/its best days behind her/it. It seems only a matter of time before fans will tire of her/it and begin looking elsewhere for entertainment and inspiration. In the opinion of the committee, Knoxville might attract a new generation of country music fans with a new kind of theme park. Promising proposals include Shaniatwainwood and Leeannrimeswood. The latter might seem more promising for long-range success, as the prospective namesake is at this writing only 15 years old. However, Shania Twain may be a more bankable commodity based purely on physical appeal.
Shaniatwainwood would attract millions of visitors to Knoxville with its rides and shows based on the life and legend of Shania Twain. The "Two Flags Over Shania" section, which would involve terraforming the World's Fair Park in an approximation of Ms. Twain's anatomical contours, would include a theme park devoted to Ms. Twain's homeland, Canada. Available would be plenty of Canadian bacon, deep-fried Canada geese, Canada Dry ginger ale, and plenty of other things that are Canadian. (Is Gerald Ford Canadian? He could be the opening speaker.) A Canadian Comedy Club would keep visitors entertained (we've been assured Canadians are still funny). The U.S. side of Two Flags Over Shania would attract and console patriotic visitors, who would thrill to Shania's testimonials about why she prefers to be a country-music star in America.
Upside: Permanent residence in Knoxville of Shania Twain, along with her presence at various important civic events (KSO, Opera, Lincoln Day Dinner; we could schedule them for when she's in town)—a significant improvement to our social way of life.
Downside: Presumed permanent residence in Knoxville of Shania Twain's husband. But he apparently travels a lot.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS MEMORIAL
Use the first two floors of the City County Building (which will be vacated with completion of new Justice Center) to build a "Hall of Commandments" celebrating Knox County Commission's adoption of these divine laws in March 1999. Each Commandment could have its own room, with displays celebrating famous Knox Countians who abided by them (e.g. ...Uh, well, we can worry about that later...) and recounting the grisly fates of those who didn't. Also, visitors could take an interactive quiz to determine if they are living their own lives in accord with God's Word. Those who fail will get a mild (but completely safe) electrical shock to simulate the wrath of Jehovah. Those who pass will receive a commemorative aluminum halo. Anyone who collects halos from all Ten Commandments will be able to inscribe their name on the Wall of the Chosen for a nominal fee ($50?). There will be special features for children, including a video game in which the object is to avoid the seven deadly sins and denounce enough sinners to gain entrance to Heaven. (There's some interest from County Commission in a "Profiles in Godliness" display celebrating the lives, good works, and strong anti-tax voting records of commission members.)
Upside: Taps into under-targeted evangelical tourist market. Consultants available from the Vatican, Mecca, Graceland and similar faith-based attractions.
Downside: Legal counsel says there's a possible church-state problem. Something about the First Amendment (can we get a copy of that?). Also, may be crass exploitation of faith. We could all go to Hell.
DOWNTOWN PEDESTRIAN CORRIDOR TO WEST TOWN MALL
"Corridors" are the hottest trend in urban development right now—so what better way to draw international attention than by making Knoxville the "Pedestrian Corridor Capital of the World." This would be accomplished by erecting an elevated walkway/shopping complex that stretches from downtown (starting at the Sunsphere, perhaps?) and ends at West Town Mall, creating an "infinite consumer loop." Once shoppers start their colorful trek, it will take days for them to complete it. World's Fair Park could easily become the World's Fair Parking Lot, where visitors would leave their vehicles during their sojourn.
Upside: These pedestrian things work in Amsterdam, right? This will give Knoxville the European flair it's always yearned for.
Downside: Might have to remove the rest of Bearden Hill to fit the corridor. Hopefully, no one will notice.
BACKGAMMON HALL OF FAME
"Halls of Fame" are increasingly popular tourist destinations; now that Knoxville finally has its own Women's Basketball Hall of Fame, we need to build on that success and develop other landmark sports centers. Unfortunately, most of the major sports are already taken, including softball, curling, and Lawn Jarts. We must look to new vistas of competition; sadly, the "House of Cards" concept for Go Fish tournaments has proven to be structurally unsound. Much more sturdy—and, unbelievably, yet unclaimed—is backgammon, perhaps with great towers of captured game pieces (maybe we can also steal away the Checkers Hall of Fame from Boise). Once we have that established, the future is ripe with possibilities: Fooseball, hopscotch, hangman...
Upside: Knoxville could become the "Hall of Fame" center of the country!
Downside: St. Louis already has bowling. Can we steal their thunder with bocci ball?
Other Infrastructure Suggestions:
HELIPADS
Convinced by Sheriff Tim Hutchinson that the future safety of Knoxville lies in our readiness to evacuate the city by helicopter in case of emergency, the committee recommends the installation of helicopter pads throughout the city at a frequency of one for every six citizens. Any fewer could prove disastrous in the event of a catastrophe. The committee also urges the construction of a gigantic helicopter large enough to accommodate at least 1,000 people, which could evacuate the Justice Center in case of an emergency. Knoxville's helicopter readiness, unusual in Tennessee, might in itself become well-known and one of the markers of the city's character.
PARKING. WE NEED MORE PARKING!
Building on the strengths we have already, the committee proposes that Kingston Pike be designated a Food Corridor. Central to the Food Corridor will be a historic section dating back to 1970, to be known as Victual Crossroads.
To promote the concept, the city will equip each of the buildings along the Food Corridor—heretofore referred to as Victual Reality Ports—with deep-fat fryers. (The cost of this massive project might not be so great as imagined, because most of the buildings along the Corridor are already well-equipped with deep-fat fryers.)
More importantly, parking is crucial to the concept of a modern Food Corridor. If there remain any parcels of Kingston Pike left unpaved with asphalt, these potentially embarrassing problem spots should be remedied as soon as possible. At this writing, the committee is uncertain of the completion of the 100 Percent Asphalt Plan of 1977—already the most successful long-range plan in Knoxville history—and is awaiting a report on the matter. It's possible we could scrap the Food Corridor idea and just go all the way to a Parking Corridor.
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