Are we but roadkill on the road to progress?

by Scott McNutt

Today I'd like to use this space to talk about something positive in Knoxville; a something that touches Knoxvillians' lives in an intimate way, but a something whose touch is often unfairly castigated. I am referring, of course, to road construction.

I know what you're thinking: "Are you always an idiot, or did you take special stupid pills this morning?" But think what road construction really means for you, the average driver. Sure, it means waiting in long lines of traffic, missing your dinner and little Tiffany's piano recital. True, it means enduring moronic drive-time traffic reporters blathering about "fender benders" while making inane banter with the disc jockeys. Maybe it means leaning on the horn when some self-serving jerk zips around the line of law-abiding drivers that you've been patiently waiting in for the last 37 minutes.

Yes, it may even mean yanking your car out of that line of traffic and trying to chase after the thoughtless jerk, only to be cut off by someone else, leaving you cursing and shaking your fist and futilely shooting a bird at his receding taillights. Sure, it means all that, and all I can say about it is that I only do it in emergencies or when I just can't take any more of the DJ's drive-time chatter. So don't take these things so personally, average driver. In fact, in such situations, don't pay attention to fellow drivers like me at all. Instead, contemplate, with pride, what road construction delays mean for you.

That's right: "with pride." Road construction signifies progress. And progress means the economy is booming. And a booming economy means that you, personally, must be getting richer. So, let's say you're stuck in traffic again, waiting for the rolling road blocks to let you loose on I-75. Now let's say that I, not being stupid enough to sit there with you, zoom past you on the shoulder. Rather than cursing me for not being as stupid as you, why not count the money that's rolling into your bank account instead?

Don't think I haven't had the same experience. Last summer, I enjoyed all this progress first-hand. For a while, every major thoroughfare between West and North Knoxville was under construction. That's right: So much "progress" was being made on the main roads between Pellissippi Parkway and Clinton Highway that I could make no progress at all between my home and office. What had been a routine 15-minute commute became a snail-paced, hour-long nightmare. But did I whine about it? Heck no! I thought proudly of our percolating economy and drove back roads like I was starring in a remake of White Line Fever. Sometimes I even made the trip in less than 15 minutes. Of course, a few of the nearby woodland creatures may not have survived the experience.

Which brings up another benefit of road construction: pest control. Think about all those annoying creatures that used to ravage your pitiful attempts at gardening. You don't have to worry about them messing with you anymore! Nor do you have to be bothered with the temptation to take home some cute, furry, orphaned bunny that you would have named "Thumper." Nope! All such critters are now spread over the pavement like cheez-whiz on a cracker, appetizers for the scavenger set.

The most important benefit of road construction, though, is that it discourages people, meaning you, average driver, from going anywhere at all in your car. For instance, one day last year, I tried to go to South Knoxville from downtown via the Gay Street Bridge. I couldn't, of course: the Gay Street Bridge was closed. So I didn't go; in fact, I realized that nobody ever needs to go South Knoxville. I mean, what's there? They tore down the Chapman Highway Drive-In years ago, so what's the attraction now? Besides, for all I know, you really can't go to South Knoxville anymore. It's probably one big road construction site by now.

Which is what I think our goal should be: more road construction. Lots more. Forget the Riverfront, forget the Smokies' stadium, forget the World's Fair site (I mean those of you who haven't already), forget all that piddly stuff. And quit looking at the Turkey Creek construction project as another instance of development run amuck. It is, but that's not the point. The point is that Knoxville has a grand opportunity to mark its spot in the history books. If we all work together, Knoxville could become the first city ever in the history of the world to have every one of its roads under construction at the same time. (Babylon came close in 986 B.C., but one overzealous road crew foreman named "Fred" kept getting his crew to finish on time and under budget. The city council had him drawn and quartered, but by then the other crews had finished too.)

Think of it: All the interstates and all the major thoroughfares would have bulldozers crawling over them. All the main roads, boulevards, avenues, etc., would have road crews furiously tearing up the asphalt then racing off, leaving behind only "road closed" signs. All the little courts, points, loops, traces, and every way everywhere would have crews standing around leaning on their shovels, blocking traffic. Nobody would go anywhere.

What an achievement! Remember, because road construction equals progress equals a booming economy, we would all be rich, even though we wouldn't be able to drive to the mall to spend our new-found wealth. We could even write a book about the experience. We'd call it Roadkill on the Road to Progress: Cities Who Love Road Construction Projects and the Road Construction Projects Who Hate Them. Then, all 160,000+ of us Knoxvillians would be invited to appear on Oprah. Of course, we couldn't all fit on the set, so Oprah would have to do a live, remote broadcast from Knoxville. If she didn't get stuck in the traffic, that is.