You know how sometimes folks are sitting around and somebody perpetrates an unfortunate gassy emission and blames it on the dog? Well, it's been nearly a month since Mayor Victor Ashe vowed to get to the bottom of why Police Chief Phil Keith said on January 10, 11, 12, and 13 that cocaine was found on the car Andre Stenson had been driving before he died Jan. 9 while being taken into custody. The daily newspaper quoted "unnamed police sources" who said Stenson died of a "cocaine-induced heart attack." When Stenson's toxicology report came back clean, KPD mouthpiece Foster Arnett Jr. said "oops." Seems "someone" told him a drug-sniffing dog had "hit" on something in the car. Who? We don't know yet. The department has been preoccupied with busting a bunch of patrolmen and sergeants for the brutal behavior of a cop named John Szczepanowski—whose references weren't checked when he was hired and who got bonus points added to his substandard employment test score for being Hispanic. Prediction: Look for Fido, who is alsatian rather than Hispanic, to be demoted.

* With apologies to a certain TV reporter who knows who he is.

Don't Take Your Guns to Town, Son

Fraternal Order of Police supporters who showed up at the last city council meeting might want to think about hiring a PR consultant before their next public appearance. Could be the first thing some expert would advise is to get retired cop L.B. Steele to stay home. Steele, former FOP president and one-term city councilman, spoke during public forum and "bellowed" (with apologies to the News-Sentinel) that Stenson's family's lawyer had held a press conference saying there wasn't a mark on Stenson's body (a demonstrably false statement that lawyer Phil Lomonaco said flabbergasted him when he heard Steele say it on television). Steele later said that "somebody" told him that Lomonaco had said it. Like Arnett, he said he couldn't remember who. The expert might also suggest that FOP supporters in the audience refrain from joining in on Steele's derisive laughter when Councilman Danny Mayfield says he'd follow KPD policy and procedure if he were a cop. And maybe Steele and two others shouldn't have cornered Mayfield and hemmed him in at his desk after the meeting. Finally, a high-paid flack might recommend that officers on administrative leave pending investigation consider not accessorizing their outfits by sticking Glocks into their britches, even for protection against terrifying septuagenarians like Oscar "Poorboy" Brown.

Hope for the Basketball Hungry

Randy Webb is trying to bring the Continental Basketball Association to town. Now living in Atlanta and working for '96 Olympic sponsor Borg-Warner, Webb has spent the last few months weighing public opinion regarding the minor league hoops league. After appearances on Mike Keith's SportsTalka radio show, a letter from University of Tennessee men's basketball coach Jerry Green, and response from CBA commissioner Steve Patterson, Webb has concluded that public sentiment would be strong enough to support the team and is now in the process of seeking financial support from corporate sponsorship and individual investors, who, according to Webb, would be "more apt to provide sponsorship knowing the town's behind it."