Every year it happens just as it did the year before. March
looms
closer and closer, and with it our "Best of Knoxville" readers' poll. Teeth
gritted, shoulders squared, we confidently plan for it. This year, we vow
to ourselves, we'll figure it out so thoroughly, it'll be hardly any effort
at all. This means jury-rigged ballot-counting software. Eagle-eyed sentinels
on the lookout for stuffing. Legions of weak-fingered, data-entering staff
members dazedly staring at computer screens. "Count the ballots!" goes the
cry. "Count the ballots or die!" Still, we run out of time, racing against
the clock, slamming it all together just before we go to press. And so here
you have it: our annual compendium of who and what Knoxvillians love the
most. Wait until next year.
photographs by Aaron Jay
GOODS & SERVICES |
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT | PEOPLE
| PLACES
FOOD & DRINK | MUSIC & CLUBS
| MEDIA | KNOXVEGAS
Collector's Choice
With perennial winner Ziggy's Comics undergoing a buyout, name-change and relocation, this longtime Strip fixture ascended the comics throne. And it's not hard to see why--from action figures to role-playing games to all the latest in comics and graphic novels, Collector's Choice has the goods to give Knoxville's comics freaks and sci-fi geeks their fantasy fix.
Rack Room Shoes
Oh, the smell of leather. Rack Room's got a lot of it...in every form of sneaker, sandal, and slingback known to man. Their selection is superb. Plus, if you're drooling on a sleek Maripe loafer that's way out of your budget (even with Rack Room's low prices), the chances are pretty good they'll have a lower-cost version not far down the aisle.
AmVets
The granddaddy of Knoxville thrift stores, AmVets is the first-stop must for thriftaholics on their weekly tour. Need a pair of two-dollar Levi's, a sweater for 98 cents, a couch for 11 bucks? Dying for a camel coat (with or without fur collar), a la Catherine Deneuve in Belle de Jour? AmVets is the place. Holidays mean half-price sales, and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a hipster. True, you have to be willing to search for the real treasures, but the expansive inventory is a virtual guarantee you'll find something. Close Runners Up: Goodwill, Salvation Army
Fowler's Furniture Center
Ray Charles the Robot is still around, but he and his piano are shrouded now in gold lamé, and you won't notice him as you enter Knoxville's favorite furniture store. Ray isn't working at the moment, but Fowler's staff has decorated around him with a scenario illustrating the current sales theme ("Back to the Future '96") that includes a female mannequin in a Christopher Lloyd-style fright wig and white lab coat. Ray may be between sets, but acres of showy living room, dining room and bedroom furniture remain. Fowler's decorators haven't lost their sense of humor: On one upholstered piece, a bottle of Gerber's baby food sits spilled--a shocker till you notice that the pooling yellow puree is plastic.
Salon Visage
We don't know what the name means, but we do know what this establishment gives its customers--style, high fashion and the excitement of celebrity connections (not to mention good haircuts). That's why it has retained its top spot among our readers. Salon Visage has two locations, with a third in the works near campus to foof the 'dos of coif-needy UT students.
Knoxville Sports
Bowling balls, badminton birdies, barbells, boxing gloves--if it has anything to do with sports, you'll probably find it at this warehouse-sized store in the Windsor Square shopping center. With prices and selection suited to hardcore jocks and weekend warriors alike, Knoxville Sports stands head and muscular shoulders above the competition.
Eastern Computer
Macs rock. Surely there can be no doubt about that. Why, the very magazine you're holding in your hands was produced on a Mac. And where does one go to get Macs but Eastern Computer? Sure, they also sell those IBM PC whatzits, but Macs will always have a home (and a repair center) at Eastern. If RAM-envy is the disease of the '90s, then the kindly folks at Eastern have the cure. Close Runners Up: Circuit City, Office Depot
Bookstar
Once again, the titan of the west conquers all. They aren't the biggest bookstore (the sheer mass of Books-a-Million probably grabs that honor), and they aren't the choosiest in their selection (the book gourmands of Davis-Kidd snag that). But they do offer an impressive combination of both attributes, along with the most expansive and fun magazine rack in town. And let's not forget that across-the-board hardcover discount.
McKay's Used Books
Granted, the field of competition for this category is not large. But more used book stores in Knoxville probably wouldn't threaten McKay's standing. The selection is vast, to the point where it could just as easily be measured in acreage as it could in the number of titles shelved. The service is superlative by necessity, as their filing system is NASA-precise ("I'm sorry, did you say 'Historical Novel' or 'Biographical Fiction?'"). And the new locale suits the stacks just fine, with the also amply stocked compact disc-ery finally under the same roof. What a wonderful world it would be if all steak houses matured, like butterfly larvae, to become sizable used book stores.
Disc Exchange
Sprawling shelves of low-priced new and used discs, now in two locations. Where else but the Disc Exchange? And the ample selection isn't confined to standard rock and country fare--both stores have healthy stocks of jazz, blues, bluegrass, hip-hop, classical and New Age, as well as the latest in indie cool. All this and posters, boxed sets, magazines, and the city's first (and still best) listening bar. We dare you to walk in without walking out with an enticingly priced new release or some unearthed eight-dollar gem.
Lost & Found
Although a few of our readers are of the opinion that vinyl is dead--and things admittedly are looking pretty bleak what with the closing of Landspeed Records (see Best New Business)--Lost & Found proves that, at the very least, used vinyl is booming. The past year saw owners Mike and Maria Armstrong expand the West Knoxville store to nearly twice its original size, without losing any of its cozy, attic-like ambiance. Bursting at the seams with an ever-changing stock of oldies but goodies, Lost & Found has also increased its inventory of alterna-hip releases and T-shirts, as well as used CDs and cassettes. And we've got to give them much-deserved props for their championing of the local music scene. Close Runner Up: Landspeed Records
Pick 'N' Grin
With the flat-out best selection of used and vintage instruments in these parts, it's no surprise that Pick 'N' Grin is the favorite. There's just something about old wood which also makes music that makes a person feel good all over. (If you haven't seen it already, stop by and check out the sunburst Fender Starcaster they've got now. They just don't make them like that anymore.) And for local pickers with old instruments, Pick 'N' Grin's service department is like the family doctor. Close Runners Up: Broadway Sound, Rob Payne Music Center
Gemstone
A clean, well-lighted place that somehow maintains security without making you feel like a cow in a slaughterhouse. Convenience, a liberal selection, a peppy staff, and three locations on Kingston Pike make Gemstone Knoxville's once and current favorite video store. Close Runners Up: Blockbuster, Evil Eye Video
Ashe's
Once your mom comes to terms with the fact that you're old enough to drink and that you enjoy it, she'll find comfort in the fact that, well, at least you shop at Ashe's. As soon as you pass through those doors, you're treated like a member of the Cox family. Whether you're looking for wine by the box or one of those grand bottles older than the lads behind the counter, you'll be counseled and guided as if you were shopping for a little something to bring to dinner on the salesperson's patio tomorrow night, say, eight-ish. Close Runners Up: McScrooge's, Bob's
SuperPetz
Stretching out in the shell of a former grocery store, SuperPetz lives up to its name with aisles and aisles of food, litter, toys, collars, brushes, bowls, beds and every other pet accessory and accouterment you can imagine. Basically, anything you might ever need or want for Fido, Fluffy, or even a ferret is here. In fact, if you might need or want a ferret or a water dragon or Siberian dwarf hamster, this is the place to go, too. SuperPetz carries a large variety of reptiles and amphibians, birds, fish, rabbits, rodents and more. And be sure to say hi to Zak, the store's four-foot-long pet iguana. There's probably nothing here you haven't seen before, but the sheer volume makes SuperPetz your one-stop pet shopping bonanza. Close Runners Up: Adopt-A-Pet, Pet Patch, Pass Pets
Chelsea Station
Some bookstores in town may have a bigger selection of newspapers and magazines, but Knoxville's favorite newsstand is Knoxville's only pure newsstand. (We're big enough for at least one now--aren't we?) Approximately 3,000 miles from Chelsea, but mere seconds away from the epicenter of the Old City, Chelsea Station is convenient to late lurkers and coffee drinkers in need of a read. Close Runner Up: Bookstar
Circuit City
Not only is Circuit City Knoxville's Best Electronics Store, according to our readers, it's the everything-est; the biggest, the loudest, the flourescent-est, the most aggressive-est, you name it. The industrial pallet-stacks of gear coupled with carnival-like bombardment of the senses is made up for by the guys on the floor, however. They can tell you all you'd ever want to know about integrated remotes, fiber optic capability, RAM doublers, wireless headsets, and anything else that might need an extension cord or batteries. Including why you need them. Close Runners Up: Radio Shack, NOW
Nature's Pantry
Whatever it takes to get the good stuff on the table, right? Nature's Pantry has done an admirable job of selling a non-mainstream line of goods and goodies (granted, it should be mainstream) to the masses by playing the game. It only looks like a regular grocery; inside you'll find all the amaranth, goldenseal and organic produce your body ever dreamed of. Close Runners Up: GNC, Food Co-Op
Bike Zoo
You know they've got it down when they let the mechanics tear into your bottom bracket right out there in front of you. Everybody in the Zoo has bought bikes, most have raced them, and the salespeople and mechanics tend to treat folks the way they'd like to be treated themselves. A bike is pretty much a bike and your Tour de Frank Special tends to cost the same on one end of town as it does on the other. Aside from yard sales, about the only bike bargains happen in the way a shop does business and how hard they work to get you to come back. No news to the folks at the Bike Zoo. Close Runners Up: West Hills, Interwheel, Harper
Andrew Morton
As long as folks continue to get married, Andrew Morton will continue to flourish as a place to go for wedding presents--and gifts for other big occasions. The finest china, crystal, silverware, etc.: it's all there--and if it isn't, Morton can probably procure it for you.
Jackson Avenue Antiques
Jackson Avenue Antiques is so big and complex you discover a whole new wing every time you visit. And bring your watch--you can lose track of time here. With a liberal approach to antiques that includes everything from rare old furniture to exotic African sculpture to '80s pop collectibles, this Old City warehouse is always like an intriguingly weird dream.
Toyota of Knoxville
Why do we love Toyota of Knoxville so? It may be that they're selling one of the most reliable cars ever produced. Then again, it could be the honest and unassuming sales folks. Or maybe it's the quick and friendly service. But, heck, we figure it's probably the nifty neon jumpin' guy who shimmies his way up the side of the building on a nightly basis. Close Runner Up: Airport Honda
Buckner's
The guys in the unassuming slate gray building on Sutherland Avenue have made all the best assumptions of how to treat you right. Head mechanics Don Buckner and Richard Matthews take turns giving customers personal attention, offering a thorough (but light on the techno-speak) explanation of what's wrong with your set of wheels, foreign or domestic. Not only will they reassure you that they'll do your repairs as cost efficiently as possible, but they usually finish ahead of schedule. You'll be handed their business card on your way out, too; they know it's not easy to separate yourself from your money so they always try to make the split as amicable as possible.
M.S. McClellan
A locally owned haberdashery with locations downtown and in Bearden, McClellan's shows full-grown men the way to manly dignity. As you walk in the door, you suddenly feel nobler, taller, more handsome, better mannered, and far cooler than you did in the car. Proper! Close Runners Up: Structure, Common Market, AmVets
Talbots
Casual but not too casual, dressy but not too dressy, Talbots has just the kind of clothes that are perfect for the '90s. If they were being described in a mail-order catalog, the proper appellation would be "urban casual." Whatever. It's the kind of stuff that makes you look great and that you can wear for both work and play. Close Runners Up: Dillard's, Ann Taylor, Gap
Jetta's
Congratulations, Knoxville--you've finally ventured out of the mall. Tucked away on Gay Street's trendy 100 block, Jetta's boasts a selection of super-coolie hipster wear, from pink vinyl pants and baggy skater duds to used go-go boots and one-of-a-kind neckties. New and used items for both men and women cohabit peacefully, and the vintage goods have been carefully chosen with an obviously adoring eye. (No missing buttons, out-of-place stitches or polyester runs.) And Jetta's is probably the only place in town where you can pick up a gold polyester shirt emblazoned with a decal of Peter Frampton, if you should so desire. Close Runners Up: Gap, AmVets
Court South
Court South rules when it comes to the survival of the fittest. Their three locations are self-contained calorie-burning, muscle-toning malls; like terrariums for humans. The pool and weight rooms and squash courts and indoor track all employ fairly traditional approaches to exercise. It's the Cardiovascular Theatre--where folks jog/ cycle/ step it off while plugged into a bank of video stimulation--that makes you wonder if we've gone too far.
Landspeed Records
We
had planned
to write, triumphantly, about how Landspeed Records beat
the odds and the naysayers. After all, it sounded like a success story: two
twentysomethings with record store experience, knowledgeable vinyl fetishes
and unfettered enthusiasm open an indie vinyl boutique in, of all places,
downtown Knoxville. But the little-store-that-could may just have petered
out before it barely got going, due in part to local law enforcement stepping
in and putting a stop to the rock 'n' roll shows Landspeed hosted after hours.
Seems someone really does want to keep Gay Street quiet. And so 1996's Best
New Business comes to a grinding halt tomorrow, April 19. For how long, though,
we can't yet say--co-owner Lisa Morrow hints that a new, improved Landspeed
may re-open soon in a new location.
Close Runners Up: Charlie Peppers, All Night Eggplant, Blue Moon
Bakery
Knoxville Museum of Art
Stand on the second floor of the Knoxville Museum of Art on a Friday evening, with American Grandeur on one side of you, Julian Schnabel and "Chattering Man" on the other, and live swing wafting up from Alive After Five--there's not much else you need to know about the place or the people who run it. Considering the diversity of the region the museum serves, they do a hell of a job of filling the place, both with art and visitors.
Bennett Galleries
For the third straight year, Knoxville art lovers love Bennett. And why shouldn't they? The gallery carries a mighty fine roster of artists, many of whom are local, and Marga Hayes and her staff know how to hang a room. By this time next year, when they've crossed the Pike to the old Capri site, Bennett Galleries will be the Space Mountain of boutiques. It's also good to see that when Knoxvillians want to see some art, they know where to go and patronize a broad range of sources. A-1 (all of four months old) and the esteemed Tomato Head were popular runners-up.
Clarence
Brown Company
With stunning sets and professional actors and directors from Knoxville and around the globe, the Clarence Brown Company leads a dozen Knoxville-area theater companies as our Best. Named after the UT grad who became a major MGM director and producer, CBT has used Clarence Brown's millions in inheritance well. Close Runner Up: Theatre Central
Tennessee Children's
Dance Ensemble This troupe from an unassuming studio on Sutherland Avenue is all many people around the world know about Knoxville--leaving folks from Japan to Norway a graceful impression we can only hope to deserve. The city's official goodwill ambassadors to the world are all under 17, performing an astonishing variety of modern and classical ballet on a par with professional troupes--in fact, TCDE is a professional troupe, and the only one of its kind in the nation. Close Runners Up: Circle Modern Dance, City Ballet
Terrace Theater
The word is finally out: The Terrace is a gem. Smashing all competitors--including those ever-popular dollar theaters--the small art house swept the honor. With its concentration on independent, art, and foreign films, the Terrace is the only place in town to see movies you previously could only read about. So what if they're a few months behind the national release dates? Or that the screen is usually only two-thirds in focus? Or that they could use a new projector bulb with a little more wattage? The Terrace is a theater of great potential--which it could reach with more of your support.
Manhattan's
One of the first restaurant/bars to open in the Old City, Manhattan's unexpectedly developed a word-of-mouth reputation for poetry slams about three years ago. With a genuine, brick-lined improv-style atmosphere (and a usually supportive crowd)--and, perhaps, most importantly, cold beer on tap--Manhattan's on Tuesday night is still our favorite venue. Other places in town are daring enough to feature open poetry readings--but we'd rather hear the best and worst of local verse here.
David Keith
Hey--forget what we said before. David Keith is hot. Putting his straight-to-video B-movies behind him, Keith is back in the Hollywood game, playing with the big guys. Hot off his commendable turn in The Indian in the Cupboard, Keith is now starring in his own cop series High Incident, produced by none other than DreamWorks SKG (that's Spielberg-Katzenberg-Geffen). He's looking trim and seems to be shaving more often. And there's nothing we media weasels like more than a comeback kid.
Patricia Neal
Thirty years after the stroke that almost ended her career, and almost 60 years after she first walked the boards in local productions, Knoxville-raised Patricia Neal is still our favorite. Maybe it's all her great movies now out on video, from The Fountainhead, opposite Gary Cooper, to The Day the Earth Stood Still opposite a killer robot from another planet. (Is that really the same woman?) Whether she's still local, more than a half-century after she left town, is another question. But we'll give her the benefit of the doubt one more time. At 70, she does occasionally visit her dandy rehabilitation center, attached to Fort Sanders Hospital.
Jim Gray
A jazz writer once tried to bait the too-hip jazzman Thelonious Monk into belittling man of the people Lawrence Welk. Monk said simply, as if in admiration, "The man's got a good gig." Jim Gray's got a good gig. He knows what the people want, how to put it in a frame, and where they're going to look for it. Hope springs eternal in artists close behind the gifted Mr. Gray: Robert Tino, Cynthia Markert, Jan Lynch and Wade Guyton all finished in the pack.
Shannon DeVaughn
She's beautiful. She's blonde. She's brassy. She's a boy. Although she departed the Carousel, that sprawling den of androgyny in Fort Sanders, for the smaller, posher Trump's in Bearden, Knoxville's favorite gender-blending bombshell proved once again that it's never a drag to be in drag.
Peyton Manning
Let's see--the Heisman candidate quarterback on a national championship contender... Nah, who'da thunk it? Of course, our boy Peyton isn't actually a Knoxville native, but we can probably look the other way just this once. Especially if he brings home that little bronze statue with the outstretched arm.
Jim Haslam
Whenever a worthy cause in town is seeking money, the path leads to James Haslam II's doorstep. The Pilot Corp. chairman is not only one of the most munificent men in town (along with runner-up Jim Clayton), he's also the city's premier fund raiser. "This is Jim Haslam, and I need your help" is a signature phone call that usually gets a signed check in response.
Stephen Smith
"The way I see it," says Second District Congressional candidate Dr. Stephen Smith, "everybody has a toolbox when it comes to making a difference. Sometimes the right tool for the job is a pen. You reach in and grab your pen and write a letter to your congressman. Sometimes the right tool for the job is a suit. You put on your suit and you go to Washington." Next time you see Smith, he'll most likely be in a suit, doing his best to get you to send him to Washington. With an impressive career in grassroots activism, the veterinarian/ environmentalist is confident that he'll make a better congressman than the landmark he'll have to beat to become one. Readers who responded hailed Smith as an Unsung Hero for reasons ranging from his environmental work (at the Foundation for Global Sustainability and the Tennessee Valley Energy Reform Coalition) and the simple fact that he's willing to represent the district for which he so obviously cares.
Chuck
Hudson
Hudson, the manager of Charlie Pepper's on the Cumberland Strip, no doubt
has his share of secret admirers who must watch as he hustles hot food, cold
drinks, staff and customers into a harmonious whole. Now, let the world
know.
Victor Ashe
Best politician (is that an oxymoron?) is, of course, none other than Mayor Victor Ashe. Fresh off an election year where he left another opponent to eat his dust, Ashe, who used to say he hoped he'd be the last mayor Knoxville ever has, is heading into the year when the voters will decide whether to grant him his alleged wish by approving consolidated government. The wily Ashe is leaving his options open.
Frank Gambuzza, Salon Visage
Every town has its hairdressing star: one (usually) man who women rave about, pledge their undying allegiance to, brave traffic and month-long waits to get to. In Knoxville, that man is one Frank Gambuzza, owner and operator of Salon Visage and coiffeur visionary extraordinaire. He's East Tennessee's answer to Vidal Sassoon.
Sara
Lowe, Ye Olde Steak House
Knoxville's favorite server is Sara Lowe, who has worked at Ye Olde Steak House for 20 years. She is fast, efficient, friendly and sold on her product. "My cooks make me look good," she says modestly. She wouldn't eat a steak anywhere else, and says she's crazy about the homemade desserts, especially the chocolate ones. On the home front, she's married to that famously political firefighter, Kenneth "Red" Lowe, who says Sara is a patient and forgiving woman.
Seth Severns, Smoky Mountain Brewing Company
Garrulous Severns, bartender for the late, lamented Smoky Mountain Brewing Company, won in this hot contest in a crowded field in which a few votes make a big difference. Severns tended, ardently but all too briefly, the most extravagant bar ever built in East Tennessee. Severns's friendly honesty about the pub's best and second-best experiments earned the respect of patrons. Fortunately, this chemistry major diversified his career: Playing guitar on stage with the punk 'n' roll State Champs, he's known as Johnny Turbo.
Jack Neely
Author William Styron once said (in a Metro Pulse interview, no less) that a great writer needs a Mighty Theme. Metro Pulse's secret historian fits the bill. Knoxvillians found resonance (and maybe a sense of identity) in Neely's thoughtful vignettes and affably elegant prose, and he resoundingly out-polled two-time winner Sam Venable of That Other Paper. We were going to recommend that you pick up a copy of Knoxville's Secret History at your local bookstore, but it looks like you already have.
Smoky Mountains
Best Tourist Attraction is a difficult, almost oxymoronic, concept when you live near those places under consideration. It's like "Shortest Tall Guy." But hey, if enough people are convinced that tourists are coming here to see the Smokies and leaving behind lots of dough, well, just maybe, the governor's office will begin to look at them as a business. And then, just maybe, it will stop generating regulations that favor smokestack polluters over the mountains. Dare to dream.
West Town Mall
With the addition of about a zillion square feet full of eminently buyable stuff, West Town Mall has truly become a retail mecca, sounding its siren call to shoppers from Crossville to Lexington, from Chattanooga to Johnson City. And what does that translate into but even more superb people-watching opportunities? So get a frosty Diet Coke and a steaming hot Cinnabun, and settle in for a good settin' spell at the food court . You'll have the finest front row seats to East Tennessee's non-stop (well, from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.) parade of semi-diversity.
Sequoyah Hills Park (Cherokee Boulevard)
It's a rare case of social justice that Knoxville's most prestigious address is also our most popular public park. On a hot Sunday afternoon, the two-mile long Sequoyah Hills Park along Cherokee Boulevard is Knoxville's Venice Beach, thick with volleyballers, term-paper writers, Frisbee footballers, martial artists, walkers of retired racing dogs, and slightly tipsy golfers (hey! watch it!). But it's still big enough to get away and sit under your own private willow with a book of Wordsworth.
Family Bowl
Is there any doubt we're currently in a bowling renaissance? Sure, let those other health-niks climb rocks and ride bicycles to Arizona; bowling is the athletic sport of the masses. And where better to slam some pins than at Family Bowl, which offers rockin' tunes, American beers and fine fried potato snacks? Close Runners Up: Western Plaza, Fountain Lanes
Deane Hill
Unfortunately, our readers' favorite course--newly opened to the public last year--is no more. Now closed and awaiting redevelopment into yet more shopping/ living space out west, Deane Hill rests unplayed upon. Can't wait for those mini-plazas!
Tyson Park
LOVE ALL! That's not a tennis score; it's the dominant emotion Knoxvillians feel for the tennis center at Tyson Park. The city courts in the shadow of Alcoa Highway remain the city's favorite place to foot fault, rush the net, pull off a passing shot and occasionally ace the competition.
(Ed. Note: Although we asked voters to specify the location when voting for a chain restaurant, not many did. Therefore, in order to be fair to restaurants with only one location and lacking in million-dollar marketing budgets, we divided total votes by the number of locations in town for each chain.)
Fresh Market
It's the little things that bring them back: free coffee, free pizza samples, fresh ground sausage sculpted into the shape of its porcine source. Jesting aside, Fresh Market is consistently well-stocked with good things that were damn hard to get around here before they hung their shingle over the Pike. We may now happily take imported pastas, real Belgian kreik, peppered chèvre and custom ground Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee for granted. On the bakery side, things may soon heat up a bit. Open for all of one month when these ballots were tallied, Blue Moon Bakery & Cafe, on Central, finished on the heels of Fresh Market (trailing by precisely one vote). Business analysts are always coming off with that line about competition being good for everybody involved--it finally seems believable when it's between two good bakeries, one on either side of town.
Falafel Hut
Falafel Hut is one of the few remaining reasons to rationalize living in Fort Sanders. We're talking fresh and authentic Middle Eastern fare--from your baba ganoush to tabbouleh and everything in between--at prices way better than fair. And it's hard to beat their beer selection when it comes to washing it all down. Close Runners Up: King Tut's, Fatoosh, Olive Tree, Dad's
Hoo-Rays
Hugh Ray Wilson owns Knoxville's best sports bar, the eponymous Hoo-Rays. He jokes that he, ergo the bar, acquired the name because he was born at Baptist Hospital within earshot of Neyland Stadium, and all his mother could hear was fans hollering "hoo-ray." Hoo-Rays features a gallery of glassy-eyed taxidermy downstairs, a dance floor and a private club up. The memorabilia includes an orange tuxedo in a glass case bearing the sign "In case of Sugar Bowl break glass." Celebrity-watchers can cop glimpses of visiting sports bigwigs, including Archie Manning on home game weekends.
IHOP
No question about it: West Knox stand-by International House of Pancakes serves up the finest hangover helper in this town. And even sober, the grub's pretty darn good--there's a nice variety of pancakes for all you fruits and nuts out there, and a menu of all-American standards like grilled cheese, sirloin patties, and rib-sticking vegetable soup. For breakfast--even if breakfast means 2 a.m.--it simply can't be beat. Close Runners Up: Cracker Barrel, Shoney's, Waffle House
Java
What's in a name? Java has what you need and they make it consistently well. No fluff or distractions, aside from naturally sublime coffee drinking settings: Central Avenue, in the Old City, and now Homberg Place, way out west. The desserts are, simply and truly, among the best in the world. Peggy Hambright's Mag-Pies kitchen (soon to be found on Market Square, sharing kitchen space with Tomato Head) and local baker Judy Mixon turn out incredibly fine sweets, from Mom's kitchen traditionals to decadent exotica.
Copper Cellar
Knoxville's favorite spot for après (or in lieu of) church dining remains the Copper Cellar, where they have Sunday brunch down to a science. From custom omelets to biscuits and gravy to smoked salmon and capers, the Copper Cellar will satiate your every desire (and guarantee the need for a long Sunday afternoon nap).
Friday's
One of Knoxville's finest pick-up spot also happens to serve up the best appetizers in town--kick-ass potato skins, scrumptious chicken satay, whompin' Oriental dumplings, etc. But as you're washing the fine fare down with a cold one, ponder this: What exactly are they whetting your appetite for? Close Runners Up: Copper Cellar, Charlie Peppers, Silver Spoon, Sunspot
Tomato Head
Tomato Head puts more different toppings on pizza than your parents ever wanted you to know about. Mahasti and company make Knoxville's best pizza, no question in the minds of those who have to call for reservations on weekends. That category wasn't even close. But with outdoor tables on a sunny day and a newly expanded, remodeled interior that reveals the original Edwardian stamped-tin ceiling and polished hardwood floors--plus interesting background music and cozy first-name-basis customer service, it's also our favorite lunch spot, edging out Sunspot by only a few votes. And in the Best Salads category, Mater Noggin's Caesar and pasta salads --which always make you wonder why you can't fix something that tastes that fresh at home--slipped by Silver Spoon by exactly one vote.
Stefano's
With its distinctively thick, bread-like "Chicago style" crust--and, unlike some pizza delivery chains, no rumored political agenda--campus institution Stefano's Pizza wins the prize. Close Runners Up: Papa John, Pizza Hut, Domino's
BW3
The charms of BW3 cannot be underestimated. There's the rowdy atmosphere, the surly bouncers, the attitudinal bartenders, the interactive trivia game, the pool tables. Add all that to the perfect finger-licking delicious wings, and you've got the very definition of a great bar/hangout. Close Runners Up: Spicy's, Hooters
Ye Olde Steak House
When it comes to steak, Knoxville doesn't mess around. We like our charred flesh fresh, flavorful and straight up, please--no sissy sauces or seasoning to detract from the visceral experience. That explains, then, why we're so crazy about Ye Olde Steak house, a haven for steak purists on Chapman Highway. Perhaps owing to the fine food, the brown-bagging policy, the celebratory atmosphere, it's become a Knoxville tradition--one with compulsory post-football- game attendance.
The Soup Kitchen
Concentrate on one thing, but be the very best. With a different selection of eight soups every day, from the thick to the thin, the tomato-based to the cream, the old standby to the slightly bizarre (not to mention great fresh-baked bread)--plus a comfortably low-key cafeteria-style arrangement that leaves us unpestered by waitresses and checks--longtime Market Square landmark the Soup Kitchen won this one without a contest.
Harold's
For fatalists convinced that Gay Street is cursed, Harold's remains the stickiest rebuttal. Postponing his retirement until further notice, Harold Shersky has been there nearly 50 years--and as neighboring businesses wax and wane, you're often lucky to find a seat at Harold's at lunchtime (not to mention Saturday mornings). Our original deli remains our best, with kosher classics and some sandwich concoctions of his own, like the pumpernickel Reuben, the Giant Twist, and the inimitable Gilbert. It's also still a real delicatessen (that's what deli used to stand for, kids) where you can buy the corned beef, herring, and pickled tomatoes by the pound: the raw materials of kosher cuisine. A meal at Harold's is the single fastest way to get to know Knoxville at its complicated best.
Litton's
Surprise, surprise, surprise! Why--we can hardly believe it--Litton's won our best burger category! Who'da thunk it...well, besides EVERYBODY? Litton's is a Knoxville original, an institution. Look up "hamburger joint" in the American Heritage 1996 edition illustrated dictionary, and you'll see a picture of Litton's. Really.
"The Sabrett Vendor"
We may not know his name, but we like him, anyway. Seemingly ubiquitous (didn't we just see him in the Old City?) this purveyor of hot dogs that are so good you don't call them hot dogs makes UT football games and other occasions smell much better than they used to. (Sabrett franks is the proper terminology for these delicately spiced sausages.) The folks at Zosha's Ukrainian cafe near Market Square (which also serves Sabrett's and got some votes on its own) run the Sabrett's concession. Walking around in Knoxville crowds has never smelled and tasted so good. His name, by the way, is Vinny.
Corky's
The race was tight in the 'cue category (the choice of the masses is still Buddy's, natch), but Corky's managed to win by a nose--or was it a snout? Corky's tender, smoky-sweet Memphis-style ribs have earned their devoted following. And they've become Knoxville's favorite culinary "sin." Close Runners Up: Calhoun's, Sarge's
Chesapeake's
The completion of the "tunnel" connecting downtown to the interstate may have turned Chesapeake's back door into its front door, but Knoxville's favorite seafood restaurant hasn't suffered at all. From its incomparable grilled swordfish to its signature spinach Maria, Chesapeake's still scratches the city's itch for outstanding seafood. A comfortable ambiance with topnotch service.
Mandarin House
You know they've got the best buffet in Knoxville, because their omnipresent billboards scream it out: "Voted Best in Knoxville!" They never bother to say by whom, but we'll let you in on a little secret: it's none other than Metro Pulse readers who have elevated Mandarin House to best-of status. So next time you line up for an egg roll, tell 'em where you saw them honored.
Amsterdam Cafe
To win this one, we think you've got to start with Guiness and Bass on tap--two halves of the classic black-and-tan. Amsterdam has that and a whole lot more. With a lengthy row of tasty draught flavors and more domestic and import bottles than you can shake a frosty mug at, Amsterdam Cafe has ridden a frothy wave of success behind that once-jinxed storefront at the corner of Central and Jackson.
Orangery
Winning by a mere vote over the always popular Naples, the Orangery retains its prize for another year. The folks who choose the wine at the Orangery understand that much of their clientele consider the drink to be as important as the food, and it shows.
Sunspot
Okay, so the menu isn't strictly vegetarian. Still, Sunspot offers a wide variety of vegetarian and vegan specialties to please the most finicky of P.C. palates, with all-veg specials every day. From pastas to veggie burgers to stir fries to stews, there's something for everyone who's feeling a bit in the "vegetable way." And its all served in a cozy, urbane atmosphere that will undoubtedly keep you coming back for more. Close Runners Up: Tjaarda's, All Night Eggplant, Tomato Head, Falafel Hut
Naples
Naples has always had a special place in the hearts of Knoxvillians, who have long appreciated its romantic atmosphere, delicious Italian cuisine, and reasonable prices. It is the kind of restaurant where memories are made--and we're not just saying that. If you haven't been there yet, go now. And keep this rule in mind: the nightly special is always worth a taste. And for maximum romantic effect, you can always share it between two, Lady and the Tramp-style. 'At's Amore!
The Diner
So it's not a classic diner, in the greasy-spoon sense of the word (geez--didn't anyone see our tribute to local diners in our Restaurant Guide?). Instead, The Diner is an art-deco wonder that serves up not only great hamburgers (it was Litton's love child, remember) but some wholly respectable continental-style cuisine. Believe it or not, their Boston scrod rivals even Regas's classic King Georges standard. And the mustard-marinated pork loin is out of this world.
Stir Fry Cafe
It just is. Stir Fry Cafe is a wonderful restaurant offering Knoxville palates the tongue-tantalizing, tempting spicy cuisine of the far East. Their Chinese specialties are top rate, but it's the Thai food that keeps us coming back for more. Their pad thai is to die for, their curries divine, and their soups guaranteed to clear up any nasal congestion in only one sip. With its live music on the weekends, and its location right next to Bookstar, it's a primo date destination.
La Paz
Go ahead and take the plunge on the extra-hot sauce when they bring out the tortilla chips; the busboy makes it his special mission to keep your water glass filled. And that's just the first of many indulgences when you sit down at La Paz, from the zingy zapnins to the flavorful fajitas to the magnificent margaritas. Even with the ever-increasing number of south-of-the-border specialty restaurants, this jazzy little hole in Suburban Center remains at the top of the heap.
The Smoky Mountain Brewery
Sad to say, our first brewpub, and still our favorite, closed indefinitely just as y'all were sending us ballots. With its "private" cigar-and-Scotch lounge and huge mahogany bar, no saloon in modern Knoxville was ever as extravagant--and, to a loyal several, as beloved--in its mere 19 months of camaraderie, comfort, and very good beer. But the Mill, our second-place finisher, still thrives, as does Calhoun's, an honorable third.
New York Bagel Shop and Deli
For breakfast, lunch and dinner, bagels are the Everymeal, and Knoxvillians are jumping on the wagon like never before. If you want proof, just try going into either of the New York Bagel Shop's locations between noon and 2 p.m--just be ready and willing to elbow your way up to the case displaying at least a dozen different flavors, including the ever-popular "everything." And, after all, what more could you ask for?
S & S Cafeteria
When Mom's out of pocket (or just out of sorts), many Knoxvillians turn to one of the city's two S & S cafeterias for supper or Sunday dinner--roast beef, ham, chicken, fish, and a selection of vegetables that should satisfy even the most picky four-year-old. Whether you go to the old-fashioned version on the western edge of Sequoyah Hills or the one with the trendy decor near Cedar Bluff, you're sure to see someone you know getting home cooking without going home.
Hawkeye's
It's more than just the three-for-one "Animal Hour" every weeknight from 9 to 10 p.m. (although that's a big part of it.) There's also a certain intangible essence, a suncity, rustic ambiance that invites frat boys, hippies and yuppies alike to mingle, raise a toast and groove hip-to-hip on cool blues sounds from any number of crack local bands that regularly grace the upstairs bar.
Calhoun's
Laying waste to the competition is Mike Chase's hometown champ, Calhoun's. Despite all the challengers, whether they be from Memphis or Jamaica, Calhoun's Knox-style ribs win again with the locals. So get a table with a river view (or of Kingston Pike, if you want some micro-brew) and order a side in salute.
Romano's Macaroni Grill
The general rule of Knoxville restaurant-going is this: if it's new, we like it. But as it starts to age--after, say, a few months--fickleness starts to set in, and it's on to the next new restaurant. Romano's Macaroni Grill, however, is still hot months after its long-awaited opening, swarming with people nearly all the time. For some, its scripted banter and meticulously designed atmosphere is a bit too artificial, but for most Knoxvillians it still feels fresh. Long may its plates accidentally smash. Close Runners Up: Cozymel, Charlie Peppers
Susie Betts & The Smokin' O's
You can thank the former bluegrass hot spot, Marcus' Pizza, for this conglomeration. Formed almost two years ago to take the stage in Fountain City, the Smokin' O's features singer and guitar picker Betts, backed up by Dobro dazzler Phil Leadbetter (whose "day" job involves the same instrument, played behind bluegrass master J. D. Crowe), Albert Styles on guitar, and Mark Brooks on double bass. Separately, you're apt to catch these pickers all over: Betts charms tourists by the score down at Uncle Bud's Catfish in Pigeon Forge, and Styles and Brooks both hang their hats at Dollywood. Together, your best chance to hear them will be this summer on the deck at Charlie Pepper's. Their specialty is progressive 'grass, so don't set your heart on "Uncle Pen" or "Barefoot Nellie."
Jazz Liberation Quartet
Even with departure of guitarist and scene fixture Dave Nichols (who literally ran off to join the circus), JLQ kept the zing in its swing, entertaining jazz and rock fans alike with an off-kilter mix of corrupted bop, fusiony rock and low-down fonk. If you haven't seen JLQ lately, then you haven't seen JLQ.
Crawdaddy
Although Knoxville's best blues band isn't just a blues band, they imbue their reggae, rock, soul and R&B covers and originals with a certain blues verity. Lest you doubt, go watch Michael Crawley and Co. set butts a-shakin' at Hawkeye's on a Thursday night, and see if it doesn't conjure images of a crowded Delta juke joint after a day in the cotton fields. Between Crawley's blazing harp and guitarist Detroit Dave's manic splatter, these boys got the mojo working.
Superdrag
Knoxville's Fab Four had quite a whirlwind year: getting swept up by a major label; releasing an acclaimed indie album (The Fabulous Eight-Track Sounds of Superdrag on Darla Records); touring the country with buzz bands and indie stalwarts the likes of Letters to Cleo, Echobelly, and Archers of Loaf; recording with cooler-than-thou producer Tim (Sebadoh, Belly) O'Heir; playing shows in front of such celebrity types as Drew Barrymore and Johnny Rotten; and garnering glowing profiles in Raygun, Alternative Press, College Music Journal, Melody Maker and other esteemed rock publications. With their Elektra Records debut Regretfully Yours still fresh on the shelves, it remains to be seen whether they're going to put us on the map (reviews have been mighty positive, though, including a recent A-minus in Entertainment Weekly), but one thing's for sure: Knoxville loves them. Close Runners Up: State Champs, Thumbnail
Rhodes & Rhodes
The perennial Old City favorites win over the masses with their gentle takes on acoustic classics and their own originals. Close Runners Up: Sara Lite, Crawbaby, Atom Bomb Pocketknife
L.I.F.E.
YO! Straight outta K-town comes L.I.F.E., those ever phresh, phat, phunky rap 'n' rollers who made the cut for the Music Association of Knoxville Showcase this year. They've added another accolade by winning as best hip-hop act, proving they're, yes, "down" with Knoxville audiences.
The V***roys
A.k.a. the Viceroys. Are they rock 'n' roll or country? We've apparently decided the wildmen in ties are the latter. Now going by the copyright-mandated alias, V-Roys, they're off on a tour of England with Steve Earle, and their own CD is due for international release this summer.
Justin Sinkovich
Knoxville doesn't mind a little grit and venom in its vocalists. The downy-cheeked 23-year-old patriarch of the city's newest wave of punk rockers won handily over such contenders as smooth-crooning John Davis of Superdrag and the lonesome-wailing Scott Miller of the Viceroys (the pleasantly raspy Michael Crawley also fared well.) Cargo/Headhunter Records must have agreed with your choice; that California bastion of indie hipness signed Sinkovich's progressive punk Thumbnail to a contract in late '95. You can hear Sinkovich exercise the more sensitive side of his chords when he fronts his other band, rattle-pop trio Atom Bomb Pocket Knife. Close Runners Up:Johnny Turbo (State Champs), Michael Crawley (Crawdaddy)
Nancy
Brennan Strange,
Les Etoiles Mysterieuse
Nancy Brennan Strange deserves recognition for many things. Over the past two and a half decades she's done wonderful things in and around Knoxville in the forms of folk music, storytelling, cultural and historical arts, and most recently jazz. Last year she released a lovely compact disc, Les Etoiles Mysterieuse(Strange Stars), which features an orchestra of Knoxville's jazz elite. She mentioned then that she was grateful for the local jazz venues, such as Alive After Five and Lucille's, which allow her to sing often without relocating to more musical but less pleasant environs like New York. Strange is one of many who return the favor to local folks who wish to hear fine music and prefer to do it here.
Scott Miller
Solo, leading an acoustic trio, or fronting the Viceroys, the skinny kid from the Shenandoah Valley is our favorite songwriter, author of over 100 good songs, including "Goodnight, Loser," "Lie I Believe," and his solo "Napoleon" which appears on a recent Bubbapalooza compilation CD--whether you think he looks like Hank Senior or not.
Sacred Heart Cathedral Choir
Under the leadership of director Donna Swan (don't tell anyone she's actually an Episcopalian) and organist Robert McCarter, this group of 30-odd people sings for the Sunday 10:30 a.m. Mass; and the cathedral's women's choir sings for the 6 p.m. Saturday service. The group is ambitious; their Easter season repertoire included Fauré's Requiem this year.
Mercury Theater
It's not too big and it's not too small, it's got a decent beer selection and it's agreeably dive-ish. The decor is trendy in a cool and shabby sort of way, and owner Kevin Niceley keeps it booked with quality local, regional, indie and even major-label acts. In short, the Mercury is everything a rock club should be. Wish we had more like it.
Lucille's
We're in shock about this one. Not because Lucille's won; that was no contest. With an astonishing variety of live jazz going past midnight six nights a week, Lucille's (formerly Annie's), with more than a dozen years of live jazz in the old city under its belt, polled more votes than all other clubs put together. Known by reputation far outside the Tennessee Valley, those who know jazz say it's a shoo-in as best jazz club in the state. Where else in the world can you expect to see world-class musicians like pianist Donald Brown--for two bucks? Lucille's status as Best was obvious. We're shocked because, just as we tallied these results, the tax folks padlocked Lucille's doors (through an apparent misunderstanding). After being unable to find a seat at recent crowded evenings there, we can only figure they've been undercharging for beer and wine. They're still trying. Stay tuned.
Cotton-Eyed Joe
Heeeeeee-Hawww! Pull on those shit-kickers, put on that ten-gallon hat and be sure to tuck that shirt into those tight-fitting jeans. This mammoth West Knox warehouse sent its competition scurrying into a pit filled with tribute bands and Tex-Mex food, and now reigns supreme as the King of country dance.
Underground/Storm
Scott Wilkerson of local techno band the Speed Freeks said it best: "Knoxville is a one [dance] club town." Sure, there are others that are often hipper and always more intimate: Lord Lindsey's, Trump's, Mercury Theater--but for the biggest sound, the brightest lights and the bubbling-over crowds, the Underground has no competition. And on Wednesday nights, you can find DJ Storm, leader of the old school Knoxville DJ's, spinning label-less slabs of subterranean vinyl and flashy club cuts together, while the club kids, frat boys and suburban gangstas shake it, baby, shake it, till 3 a.m.
Ivory's
Almost subterranean, tucked discreetly away beneath Andrew Morton's gift shop in Bearden, Ivory's is a piano speakeasy, a favorite refuge of both performers and pianists--for those who've learned to overlook the Sequoyah Hills riffraff. Performers are consistently good; both low-key locals and traveling stars make their way to Ivory's stage.
Gryphon's
Hey, that's spin-cycle dive to you, bub. Fort Sanders's own combination bar, coin laundry and low-rent music venue, Gryphon's may not be for the faint of heart, but it certainly possesses more beer-stained charm than any other neighborhood bar we can think of. Musically, you can find just about anything and everything here, from post-punk to blues to acoustic folk. Lots of local bands get their start on Gryphon's nonexistent stage, and we can't think of the last time there was any sort of cover charge. And, band or not, you're always guaranteed some sort of entertainment.
Bijou Theatre
There's just not a bad seat in the house--not even up in the second balcony, where there are no seats. It's a fitting showcase for fine performers (luminaries from the Marx Brothers to Mel Torme to Los Lobos have basked in the glow of those footlights) and it somehow seems to enhance lesser talents. Here's to the ongoing restoration drive and the hope for a men's room where the "fixtures" aren't in view of the whole lobby when someone opens the door.
Michael's
Is it the availability of immediate seating? Is it the gold chains and expensive sportswear? Perhaps the small, often packed dance floor? Regardless of the specifics, Michael's is the only place in town that recreates the unbridled, fin-de-siècle glory of Reagan's last term--the perfect atmosphere for meeting that special someone, at least until the vodka wears off.
Carousel
From the flashing lights and disco balls to the pit-style dance floor to the lavish drag productions upstairs, the Carousel is a colorful carnival of androgyny, the place to watch and be watched. And even if you're not on the make, the Carousel is a delightful detour, a diversion from mainstream mundanity.
WNFZ-FM 94.3
Their ratings may lag behind the big dinosaurs--er, dogs--but scrappy newcomer WNFZ-FM knocked the other stations off the dial with their commercial alternative (read: MTV Buzz Bin minus video) soundwaves. Sure, their rotation playlist can be a bit repetitive (how many times a day do we really need to hear Alanis remind us of life's little ironies?), but 94-Z also manages to sound simultaneously slicker and fresher than a lot of the competition.
Phil
Williams, WIMZ
"Phil and Billy in the Morning"
Even if you're fed up with "Free Bird," it's almost worth wading through
the retread to sample Philbio's backwoods wit, fraught with clever current
events references and cartoonish character voices conjured at the spur of
the moment. And although we miss the sober balance of Colvin Idol, who was
abruptly dismissed last year, Billy the Kid provides his Philness with an
able partner in chortle.
WBIR-Channel 10 Bill Williams, Bob Kesling, Marti Skold
Anchor veteran Bill Williams has a certain grandfatherly charm--warm, but low on mindless prattle. And Big Bob is always well-spoken and well-informed behind the sports desk, engaging in his self-assured equanimity. And Marti always exhibits preternatural calm before the storm--no matter how big it is. They're just some of the reasons why WBIR remains, year in and year out, head and shoulders above its competitors.
Hallerin Hill, WIVK-AM
The affable, nearly unflappable Hill generally exudes courtesy and happy patter has he presides over a three-hours-a-day, five-days-a-week talkfest. Hill describes himself as a political moderate, but is becoming hard to distinguish from any other East Tennessee Republican these days, and struggled unsuccessfully to dampen his pro-Lamar Alexander sentiments.
Live at Five
For another year, Channel 10's Live at Five crew takes the local TV show honor, reveling in the droll repartee of co-hosts Ted Hall and Moira Kaye as they investigate Knoxville's fun and frisky quirks. But what's this? Hot on its heels is none other than TNi's Prime Talk, rising up the ranks with a growing popularity, no doubt due to the talk show's suncity-yet-charming host, Bob Deck.
Gambling
Beating out better roads, pro sports and, yes, riverfront development
came the leering face of legalized gambling. Can it be true? Do Knoxvillians
really want to throw the dice on lady luck? Or could it be that we already
feel like we're living in Vegas? (See "Best Slogan for
Knoxville.")
The Constructive Ideas: An aquarium, more parks,
downtown development, convention center, metro government.
The Not So Constructive Ideas: To get rid of the Vols, to loosen
up, some class, less hippies, fewer rednecks, fresh blood, a major cool disaster,
an enema.
The
Wistful Suggestions: Self-esteem, open minds, informed citizens,
a clean river, more people who make a difference, drivers who use turn signals,
appreciation from the locals--Knoxville's a great place to live.
The Media Savvy Demands: A newspaper, a second newspaper, a
decent newspaper, Daily Metro Pulse.
The Most Concerted Effort to Stuff the Ballot Which Still Didn't
Win: A blimp.
The Waterfront
Who knew such a teeny stretch of poisoned riverfront property could cause
such a fuss? But there it is: on one hand, waterfront development is a bit
of vitally needed downtown revitalization; on the other hand, will it really
work? Are interactive kiosks and virtual reality dioramas really gonna pull
in enough tourists to use up Mike Chase's parking lot? Can an $8 million
strip of concrete spur further private development? Let me tell you a story
about the World's Fair Site...
Other Noteworthy Squabbles: City/county unification, Joe Taylor,
the Knox County Sheriff's firing range, the evolution bill, the farmer's
market.
His Honor, the Mayor: Ashe vs. Dwight Kessell, Ashe vs. Tim Hutchison, Ashe
vs. Carlene Malone, Ashe vs. Steven Smith, Ashe vs. Ron McMahon, Ashe vs.
Knox County, Ashe vs.
anyone.
And
in the Other Corner: Carlene Malone, Carlene Malone and
the rest of the city council, Carlene Malone and the News-Sentinel, Carlene
Malone and anybody.
Again With the Damn Blimp: Where to park the blimp, where to
put the blimp, where to store the blimp, where will we fly the blimp?
Kristen Hoke
Perhaps it's this Channel 10 anchor's fresh face and appealing personality
that made her the top vote-getter. Or maybe it's just the way she inadvertently
said "turd" live on the air over a year ago.
Close Runners Up: My husband, my girlfriend, Lori Tucker, g
leather, Marti Skold, Bob Deck, Cas Walker, Ted Hall, Todd Steed.
The Wishful Guy Votes: An Asian massage therapist, an attractive
young submissive female, Mickey Wayland--Miss Tennessee of 1959.
The
Practical: Anyone with a cellphone, anybody but a politician,
Cynthia Moxley--because she could convince you that you were really in paradise.
More Blimp Mania: Whoever can fly a blimp.
"Knoxvegas"
Hmmm. Somehow that sounds familiar ... hey, I know! IT'S THE HEADING FOR
THIS SECTION. Oh well. Thankfully, others put their noggins to use and came
up with more imaginative suggestions.
The Sincere: "The Best Place in America to Live," "The Best
New Old City in the South," "You'll Come to Love Us," "A Little Bit of Heaven,"
"A Great Place to Raise a Family."
The Knoxcentric: "At Least It Ain't
Kentucky...Memphis...Nashville...Atlanta... Seattle...St. Louis."
The Then-Why-Don't-You-Move-the-Hell-Away? Suggestions: "The
Town That Thinks It's a City," "The Land That Thought Forgot," "Not the End
of the Universe, But You Can See It From Here," "Pretentious Armpit," "More
Than a College Town, and Less!" "I Always Thought I Could Live Anywhere Until
I Moved to Knoxville," "Evolution Never Happened Here," "150,000 People,
16 Teeth."
The Grain of Truth Entries: "Boy, Can We Eat!" "It's Ugly, But
It's a Fun Place to Live," "If You're Hungry, We've Got the Restaurants,"
"Carefully Headed Toward the Future," "Eat Out," "Good Enough for Aliens,
Good Enough for Us," "What Grows Around... Gets Annexed," "What--You Got
Somewhere Else to Be?" "Maybe Someday."
The
Best Financial Come-On: "I have one that's phenomenal! If
you are interested, I have a non-disclosure contract that would have to be
signed. It's copyrighted and up for the best bid. Thanks."
The Catchiest: "It's Knoxriffic!"
Blimps, Blimps, Blimps: "Hey, We Need a Blimp."
Schools/Education
Despite the ongoing concern over how much the school budget creeps up
every year, it nevertheless appears to be the one thing most people would
like to spend more money on. Could it possibly be that we ought to spend
more on the education of our children, helping to ensure their futures as
productive adults? And, while we're at it, how about implementing some art
and music classes for primary grade schools? Naah, that'd be crazy, liberal
foolishness.
Close Runners Up: Better roads, downtown revitalization, waterfront
development.
Most Direct: Prosecuting the turds who hold the city back from
progress.
Suggestions for the Golf Ball Thing: Opening the Sunsphere,
outfits for the Sunsphere, turning the Sunsphere into a giant sunflower.
The @&#*! Blimp Entry: A blimp.
Cas Walker
Hey, the truth is out there. Or maybe it's here, too.
The Imaginative Suggestions: The alien had consented to metro
government, the alien wanted to benefit from TennCare, an intuitive grasp
of what's really happening at the body farm, they were seeking the human
gene that causes running red lights, somebody thought they were in Asheville,
one city council meeting would help you understand, it's somehow connected
to waterfront development, TVA.
The Unimaginative Suggestions: Weird, what the hell does this
mean, don't watch this, no idea, dumbest attempt at a category by Metro Pulse.
Uhhhh...Right: Make it legal to drink in the roadway and park, love--it's
only love, sanctimony, mimicking Warren Christopher's profile.
Most Plausible: The director is related to the brother of a
woman who drove past Knoxville in 1982.
The Patently Vicious: Randall Pedigo did it, they were trying
to give David Keith a talent transfusion and it failed, they could only get
an appointment with Stephen Cobble.
Bliiiiiiimps: They arrived in a blimp.
Various forms of violence
Although "Ignore him" certainly got a lot of votes (and we personally
advocate it), most people recommended some form of physical harm. From the
very simple "kill him" to the kicking of particular body parts, Knoxvillians
seem hell-bent on stifling loud religious expression on their lunch hour.
Suggested weapons include 357 Magnums, .38's, .45's, 9 mm's, stakes, fists,
cars, hand grenades, electricity, mace and a calzone.
The More Humorous Suggestions: Institute a dress code, agree
with him, give him a hug, quote the Koran, repent en masse, reveal his tax
returns, talk to him rationally until you confuse him, tell him Jesus was
a liberal Jew.
The Somewhat Sacrilegious: Dress up like Jesus, place your hand
on his shoulder, and say "I'll take it from here."
Blimpblimpblimpblimp: Land a blimp on him.
Free Parking
Well, yeah, that would bring in more people--though the key is probably
having something there for them to park for. Suggestions included stores,
restaurants, bars, apartments and brothels. Many also said Gay Street ought
to be cleaned up and renovated, luring in new businesses and redevelopers
with tax incentives.
You Know It's Coming: Buy a blimp.
Best Fast Food
Uh, yeah, we guess.
Other Good Suggestions That Would Make the Poll as Big as an Encyclopedia,
Thus Driving Us Further Into the Pits of Insanity: Neighborhood, newspaper
(hmph), local eccentric, 'zine, bank, bar, cappuccino, child care facility,
teacher, patio, graffiti, punk band, couple, doctor, home improvement store,
local commercial, jewelry shop, cemetery, dating service, hospital, lounge
singer, office supplies, web site, manicurist, public swimming pool, make-out
spot, social service/ nonprofit program.
"Worst" Suggestions: Worst corporation, worst local newspaper,
worst things Knoxville spent money on, worst poll in K-town.
Oh,
Heck--Why Not: Drag king, hooters, kick in the jimmy, way
to reduce crime ("Don't let UT football players out without their chaperones."),
best looking red-headed chick, local hack writer, restaurant that closed.
AAAAAAGH:
Blimp, blimp name, what size blimp does Knoxville
need?
